Mens

I told my neighbor about that facepalm moment with the cop. She says, "I don't see why you get so shy with mens. Me? I love attention, I command their attention from them. Why you so stupid around mens? Why you cant socialize?"

Do you love her? She uses broken English combined with big words. She says phrases like you know what they say, the dogs that bark don't bite.

"God," she says, "David gets a uniform and he'll have to take it off in the parking lot so you do not rape him. You crazy."

There's definitely a culture clash that is apparent when I hang out with my neighbor. One night, she tells me "I know what we do."

Okay...where is this going?

"Nice romantic dinner for you and David. I cook, I cook. Then, I make the bed, do it up with rose petals, light all the candles, and then I just leave somewhere and you call me when you're done."

"You want me to have sex in your house...on your bed?"

"Pfft, it nothing. That's what friend is for."

"Huh."

"Oh, I need your help," she says, "I'm trying to put mirrors on the ceiling in there, but I need you to hold while I drill them. I already have mirrors on the walls though."

I swear on everything that is freaking holy, this woman is quite possibly the most interesting person I've ever met.

She forced me to drink Lemonchello one night. I don't drink alcohol at all, so this was quite a shock to the ol' tastebuds. She's throwing it back as she's telling me about this guy she met at her work, some regional manager for a very major company. She tells me, "He has a brother who is filty filty rich. Filty filty rich." She looks at me. "But you're already married."

I lol'd. She gave me some really high heels and a leather coat from Transylvania. Then she pulled this bag out of her closet and started pulling things out of it one by one. It was all just lingerie and naughty, naughty things, and she has a story for everything in that bag.

You know how Victoria's Secret puts out a $4,000 diamond studded thing every year? It's what all the celebrity brides are buying?

She has one. Yeah. Some guy bought it for her a few years ago.

She has a diamond necklace with matching earrings that she claims are worth thousands that some guy gave to her. She showed me the registration to her Mustang. Some guy bought it for her.

For the record, since her fiance broke up with her I've only seen her bring two "mens" home, and one of them "had bad fish breath" she told me so they just ended up watching Seinfeld. She's not a hooker. Men just get all stupid around her, sort of how I get stupid around uniformed men.

"Mens," she says, "you cant expect too much from them. They're simple. They think with a penis."

Well, since she seems to be some kind of expert, or possibly extortionist, I briefed her about the investment and the bookstore signing and all of that without really going into details.

She said, "That the cop I told you to stay away from, right?"

I'm like yeah.

"You need to first I think go meet his wife. Then, you sit and let him boil for a few weeks. Then, you take his help but be very careful about him. He might has plans that you do not expect."

I said "Okay, well then what are those plans?"

She said she didn't know. But mens are all alike.

It's September. It's crunch time. I really need to examine this and decide whether or not to take the investment still. The damn neighbor is too cryptic to give a straight answer. God damned Romanains.