Mi Oficina Es Su Oficina

The same exact thing happened last year.

I put up my Halloween decorations on Sunday, a few days before October started but whatever, I wanted David's help so this was the best time to get it. Mustang Sally comes home and sees this, and pounds on my door.

"Don't you think it's a little early to do all that?" she asks. This is funny, because last year she came home when I was wrapping black garland with glitter pumpkins around my railing and she said "Isn't it a little early for Halloween?"

I told her what I told her last year which is "I have kids and I had to wait for my husband to be off of work so he could help me."

And just like last year, she went inside for a bit, then came back out and asked if I wanted to go with her to Wal Mart to buy some Halloween decorations. Actually last year she didn't invite me, she actually got all butt hurt and went to Wal Mart on her own and bought a bunch of crap in order to out do what I had done.

This year it's kind of cool because it's like having two houses to decorate because she's all into coordinating stuff, buying two of everything, even putting a little noise activated ghost on a cord and some skull lights between our balconies. This first picture is my "haunted balcony," which is just some mossy-net material, a paper pumpkin lantern, and a string of Halloween lights that I've had for five years now. I didn't want to put anything down below this year because I dont trust the neighborhood brats, not after they wrecked my Christmas lights last year.

You can see in this picture how we've got the string of skull lights between our balconies, and you can kind of see the ghost and a paper pumpkin lantern on each side. She's also got a little spider web on her front porch as you can see. What you're not seeing is the caution tape going up the railing and the sign that I hung between our houses that says "Witch way? Hurry, they're coming!" Got that at the Dollar Tree.

The only thing that's ours is on our balcony, and it's all either from previous years or bought at the Dollar Tree this year. She went out and bought all this other stuff, and she says she isnt done. "It doesn't look nice enough," she says. Whatever, if she wants to do that it's fine, but I am not driving with her anywhere, that woman is batshit insane. She ran two red lights just from here to Wal Mart the other night. I'm like, "Sally, you have to actually stop before turning on the red, you cant just roll through them." She waved it off like it was nothing.

"Nobody was looking," she tells me. Right. Till we get t-boned.

So then at like 8:00 at night last night Steppy calls me and asks if I'd like to come use his office to get some work done. I was surprised to hear that he had an office, only it just turned out to be a room in his house, not like he's renting a space or anything. He tells me that he just thought I might like some quiet time to work, and that it has a door and everything. I tell him that I'm in the middle of watching a documentary with David.

I'm like "Why are you calling so late though?"

He tells me that he just got done setting up a wireless network, and he tells me that any time I want to use it I am welcome to come over. I thank him for the offer and everything, and suggest that it will probably make it way easier when it comes time to pay for things because I can just go there to do everything, but for now I tell him that I have internet access at home and I usually "escape" to do my writing on my balcony. I have it all set up and everything. Zen and what not.

"Well I just cleared off a desk we weren't using, and I have a whole drawer in my file cabinet you can use, so it can be like your office away from home."

I told him thank you but I wouldn't be by for a while.

He stayed nice, not like he was upset that I wasn't coming over. I told him that maybe I'd be by some time after I get the edits back from Seattle and Oregon, because offering a quiet space to work is really nice and useful. It sounded like his wife was in the background dealing with a kid, so it wasn't like a "come to my lair" sort of thing...pretty sure anyway. Unless she also wants me in her lair, in which case this is bad.

I get my car tomorrow hopefully, though I'm not as excited as I should be. Turns out, the guy who is helping us get the deal is one of those blatant assholes. My brother in law compares him to my crazy brother, only quote "With your brother, 90% of what he says is bullshit. With this guy, it's probably more like 50%." My sister says that he yells out of his car window at people on the sidewalk and likes to start shit with people in public.

The only thing that bothers me is that I have to meet him and deal with him, and as I can pretty much handle an asshole, it's still not pleasant to deal with them, especially when they're car salesmen. Especially when they're full of shit.

I was told last week that he'd be able to find something by the weekend, that he was looking all week. So I called my brother in law just about every day to ask if he'd heard anything, and to tell him that the Katrina car is fading fast. Well Matt told the guy this, and the guy tells him "Hand the phone to me next time she calls, and I'll tell her that it gets done when it get's done."

And I know that most of you would expect me to be all "Aw heeeelll naw," but that's what this guy wants. He wants to see a reaction, get a rise out of me. He's a troll, is what he is. And I anticipate that he's going to treat me like I'm a stupid spoiled housewife.

Spoiled, yeah. They gave David a 25 cent raise at The Cans. Ima gonna get me to the Payless to buy me up a pair of shoes for the winter, hot dayom.

This is a big investment, and it's my investment. The only reason my sister and brother in law are stepping in is because they dont think we should have to pay interest on my investment, and the banks are all crumbling so they'll just give me the loan so it will be stable and guaranteed. We were all set and ready to go do this ourselves but they offered to help and who are we to refuse? Even if the guy they have finding cars for me is weird, I dont have to take his crap, and I wont. I had some other salesman treat me like a 3rd class citizen because I dont work and I walked off his lot, leaving his shitty Saturn behind.

Or perhaps he will be professional about it.

I dont really want to be getting into debt right now over a car, even if it's just to my sister, but the bottom line is that it is costing me more to maintain my Oldsmo-fail than it will be to make payments on a new one. NEVER buy an American car. I have been researching the cars made by our friends in Japan and I have decided that my goal is either a Civic, Corolla, Accord or Camry, nothing made before 2006, and super high hopes on the Accord or Camry. I dont know if I'll get one, but I will try my damndest. I'm not some punk kid or kept housewife looking at cars I cant afford, I'm keeping it in our range and aiming for what I think would be the best investment. From the reviews I saw, the Civics and Corollas are stupendous on gas and average as far as wear and tear, and the Accord and Camry "gots luxuries" as my sister says, have great gas mileage, and the only complaint's I've seen on them are like "I wish the heated seats warmed your back as well as your butt" or "I wish the key thing had a remote trunk popper" or "It's not as big as my Suburban." Right. Rich snobs being rich snobs.

And just in case you're wondering, I've done my homework, and our insurance will only go up $20 a month. Right now we pay about $40 for the red car and the most we would pay is $61 for an 07 accord. We can insure an 08 Civic for $57 a month.

And just in case you're wondering, no we dont need full coverage because we are buying it cash.

And just in case you're wondering, yeah I am totally aware of why I should get full coverage but I have The Club (thanks to Liz in Seattle) and you should get bent. Also I dont drive like a schmuck.

I will protect my investment with a crowbar and a rattlesnake if I have to. All I know is we have to get all of the paper work done quick because David meets his background investigator on the 9th. That and the Oldsmo-fail is about to blow up.

I shall hopefully own something of the rice burning mechanics by the morrow. Cheerio.

Tea Party With David

In the face of thousands of phone calls and e-mails fiercely opposing the measure, many lawmakers were not willing to take the political risk of voting for it just five weeks before the elections.

The bill went down, 228-205.

That's right bitches, you break it you buy it.

On an unrelated note, David just said to me "If I lived alone, and I had a day off from work, I'd just figure out new ways to masturbate."

He totally yelled at me today, which is really weird because the only thing that David usually yells about is...well David doesn't yell. Anyway, we have had this butternut squash sitting on our counter for a month now after this lady gave it to us from her garden. So today David decides to make butternut squash bread with it. The only problem is that the only bread pans I had were from my silicone bakeware set which I threw away over the summer because of their fail. (Seriously, don't buy silicone bakeware, things cook too fast, they turn black from cooking spray which you have to use on them to condition them, and they just suck.)

So he calls his mom to ask if he could borrow a few bread pans. While he's on the phone with her I say "You know, why don't we just use the bread machine?"

And he yelled at me.

"NO! BECAUSE I WANT LITTLE SLICES TO GO WITH MY TEA!"

Yelled it.

His mom was like "...oooookaaaaaay..." like what must be going on over here, right?

Anyway, he made the bread but forgot to put in baking soda so it turned out more like a butternut brownie? Which sort of sounds like poop.

But then he makes tea, the white pomegranate one that I bought the other day at Fresh and Easy (by the way, the chocolate one was meh and the strawberry one was really good.) He's serving us tea, okay? Get this. He gets my dainty little tea saucers for my little tea cups, and he puts oversized coffee mugs on them. WTF?

It gets better.

I ask him if he sweetened mine, and he says no, so I ask him to bring me a teaspoon and the Splenda. "Splenda!" I say. I keep my Splenda in packets in a sugar jar, and he comes into the living room, takes the lid off the sugar jar, and hucks like 20 packets of Splenda at me and just says "Do it."

I'm like "What the hell?"

He says sorry and cleans up the mess. Then he offers to do the Splenda for me.

"How many? One?"

I say "Two."

"One?"

"I take two," I repeat.

"Okay well you can just do that then."

"What in the hell is the matter with you? Why are you being so crabby tonight? You are a total bitch David, a bitch!"

"Oh well if that's how you feel then I'll just throw this tea-"

"See? You're threatening me!"

"Throw this tea...right down the DRAIN!"

"What is the matter with you?"

And then he finished drinking his tea, and then drank mine. When I called him on it he said "You weren't drinking it at the time."

Is there a boy version of PMS? Should I go buy him some of that PMS tea, or will that just make things worse?

Bridge To Somewhere

This week's photo challenge was Bridges, and I had this evil plan for it but it didn't end up panning out because I didn't get a new car yet (not till Wednesday) and mine is running pretty badly right now. See, we live right near Palm Springs, and I wanted to drive out there and take pictures of the pedestrian nudist bridge at the Desert Shadows in, whose motto is "Undress, de-stress and relax at this Nudist Resort offering a beautiful clothes-free setting perfect for the discerning naturist." But my car would have crapped out on me so maybe when the photo challenge is naked people I'll try again.

So for this challenge I had to dig through my Flickr to deliver, but I do have one picture of a bridge that is particularly special as it, along with several other pictures of mine, was snatched up and used for a wiki article. This is the historic Santa Ana River Bridge in Highland, CA...

Because someone liked this enough to use it for the wiki article about the bridge, I feel that it is submittable to the challenge. But there are other cool bridges to somewhere pictures that I have taken, so let's have a look at them now.

This is up at Lake Fulmor near Idyllwild...

And here is the famous Rainbow Bridge near San Diego...

And from way way back on my old high school crappy camera, this is the Golden Gate Bridge, which David and I walked across on our band trip to San Diego when we were still in school...

Not very high quality but the bridge speaks for its self. This is my favorite landmark ever.

Anyway, before you go, can I ask a favor of you? Head on over to my book website Jessie-Terwilliger.com and tell me which of the three covers you think I should use for my next book, Bombshell, which will be out in February. There's a poll in the sidebar, or you could leave a comment. Thanks!

The IRL Trolling Of A Troll

Just a quick note on my new banner. It's called Sundance, because those houses that you see on the horizon are the center of the whole of Beaumont, a McMansion community called Sundance. I think that the McMansion communities really represent Beaumont, which is my home, like it or occasionally lump it. That's the real color of the sunsets here in summer, a sickly greenish brown color, thanks to pollution and such. That quote is Bon Jovi's, and the chick with the umbrella is supposed to be me making my big jump into what's next, which is hopefully seeing David get into CHP and me working on marketing my books and going forward with that, hopefully without falling flat on my face.

Oh, and the name of the font I used in my title? Cocaine Nosejob. How about that?

So anyway, I got this call this morning, I dont know how they got my number but it doesn't really surprise me to have gotten this call. My phone number is no secret, anybody can have it, in fact if you go to Jessie-Terwilliger.com it's in the sidebar. I have one of those no contract phones that my address isn't linked to, so it's not like I am dropping so many docs on myself, and when it comes down to it if I dont want to talk to you I just wont answer the phone.

This call I got was from a campaigner against Prop 8.

Proposition 8, also known as the Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry Act, will appear on the November 2008 ballot in California. It was previously titled the Protect Marriage Act. It has also been known as the Same-Sex Marriage Ban or the Limit on Marriage Amendment. If it passes, it will add a new constitutional amendment to the California Constitution that will have the following text: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." The ballot title for the measure says that Prop. 8 "eliminates the right of same-sex couples to marry".

So now that we're all clear on the law, I want to make clear to you that I am not making a political statement in this post, because you can vote however you want and I wont try to woo you over (though at a later date I will tell you how I am voting, and I want to know how you voted as well.) I am telling you about this phone call because what happened was sheer lulz, that's the only way that it can be described.

The guy introduces himself, I'll call him Bill. He says, "I'm calling in regards to Proposition 8 fgksdjfnlkasdbnflkasdhflkas dfnka bc`liasdbc asdfnasfb iaeu viadcf `klASJNC`F AS"

"Uh, what was that?"

"Am I speaking with Jessie?"

"Yeah, I just didn't understand what you said."

"Okay. I am calling in regards to Proposition 8, are you familiar with this proposition?"

"Which one is that?" I ask.

"It protects the marriage between a man and a woman."

"Oh is that the one that goes against the gays? Yeah I dont like the sound of 'eliminating rights' for human beings, I just want people to be equal is all..."

"I need to know whether you are for or against it."

"Well I'm against it, obviously."

"You're against traditional marriage?"

"No, I'm against eliminating rights for human beings."

"You're against traditional marriage, a marriage between a man and a woman, is what you're saying." The haughty bastard. "You're saying that as a married woman, you are against your own sacred union with your husband?"

"Well let me ask you this sir, do you believe that married people should have the right to divorce?"

"I just need to know if you are for or against traditional marriage."

"And I just need to know whether or not you think not allowing people to marry is at all like not allowing people to divorce."

He pauses. "That's a whole separate issue."

"Well here's the thing Bill, it's not, because you're trying to guilt me into saying that I am against traditional marriage when technically divorce is against traditional marriage, is it not? What I mean is, people are going to do what they want, and banning same sex marriage is on the exact same level as banning divorce. It's taking away human rights and I wont stand for it."

"Are you against voting to keep traditional marriage sacred?"

"I am against Prop. 8, yes."

"So you're against traditional marriage then, yes or no."

"I am voting against Prop.8, that's my answer, and I do appreciate the call Bill I really do."

And when David got this call and Bill asked him if he believes in traditional marriage he just said NO.

"You dont support traditional marriage?"

"No."

"Okay, thank you."

"No."

"...Okay then. Have a nice day."

"No."

David gets a little cranky when he has to be out in the heat. Not a good time to discuss politics. Then again, that is his answer, he just might have been more polite about it if he was indoors. Well no, he wouldn't have. He thinks the same was as me, which is basically that if married people can go about breaking their contracts by getting divorced, then why cant gay people make new contracts? What's so wrong with it fundamentally? David says, "If they tried to pass a law banning divorce I'll bet that will piss people off more than a couple of dudes getting married." We're all just people is all.

Well anyway, that's the most logical argument I can think to make for gay marriage. But this video offers the most logical explanation against gay marriage I could ever even think of.

Tempted By The Fruit Of Another

Who sings that song? Squeeze right? Hope I just put a tune in your head.

I tried a new store today. Not because I wish any particular harm against Stater's but this one just opened up and it's kind of my bag, baby. An organic market. But before we get to that, I have to just announce really quickly that David got the call today from the good Sergeant and background investigations are underway. As in right now. And I cant tell you guys much because it's kind of private and all, but I do want to let my IRL friends and family know that if the partyvan shows up and men in suits want to ask you some questions, it's cool, they're just trying to find nonexistent dirt on David. For the rest of you, I will be giving you vague updates, like when he passes backgrounds and moves to the next step.

So about this store, Peggy from Around Yucaipa mentioned that Fresh and Easy opened just the other day in Yucaipa (next town over, my homeland.) (It's pronounced U-Ky-Puh.) (Don't hurt yourself.) Anyway, it's a small organic chain market from across the pond, and it is the first of several that are being built in the area. Calimesa is supposed to get one in a year, and Beaumont is also getting one but we dont know when. It's reminiscent of the Trader Joe's but in my opinion, way better.

Anyhoo, I am all about organic stuff. In fact I wrote a nonfiction book on healthy eating habits for children that included a section on organic vs conventional foods. You might want to check that out. So the cool thing is that Peggy offered me her extra $5 off of a $20 purchase coupon, so I drove the Oldsmo-fail up over the hill with the check engine light on to go snatch that up from her so I could check this place out.

I didn't want to buy everything that we needed, I was just sort of buying a little of this and that to try out their selection, plus I didn't want to buy anything cold because I still had to go to Stater's. Peggy told me that this store couldn't replace Stater's, but it could certainly save you a few big shopping trips, and as I generally agree that I could never get rid of Stater's because it is right in my neighborhood and there are a few specific items that I need to get there, this place seemed to have a lot. Besides the organic stuff, they also carry a few regular brands, also they have medicine like your pharmacy does and things like paper towels and tampons.

Price wise, they are competitive with Staters and Wal Mart, which makes me very happy because I am not a snooty bitch who shops at Von's or, yuck...worse, Albertsons. (Safeway and Kroger to some of you. Expensive as hell!) And looking at their ad which is printed on recycled paper with soy ink, they sell organic whole milk for $3.08 a gallon. Shit! I had to stop buying organic milk at Stater's because it's $6 a gallon or more! 20% fat ground beef (organic) $2.48 a pound. Organic canned tuna is .61 cents a can (way cheaper than Stater's.) This to me is good. These are all things that we buy, and they're better for you, higher quality, and cheaper. I cannot argue with that.

They sell a number of convenient ready made meals, sort of like Stater's Dining In, although in my experience the Dining In brand is not so good. Not enough food and not enough flavor. Like I said I didn't want to buy anything that couldn't sit in the hot trunk for a little while so I didn't buy any, but they had like spaghetti and meatballs for one or two people, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, lasagne, and the ad shows linguine carbonara, sweet and sour chicken, Moroccan style couscous, and Greek orzo salad. Not to mention, like Trader Joe's, they sell fresh flowers wrapped in newspaper for like super cheap.

But let's talk about what I got for $30 and what I have tried so far.

I stuck with the store brand, the Fresh and Easy brand. I got two boxes of cereal (we do a lot of cereal here so it's worth a shot,) organic bread, peanut butter (for $2!) and strawberry jelly. I got strawberries for $1.49 a package, where as Stater's is selling them for $2.99 right now. I do smoothies so strawberries are an important staple in our house. Tangerines? David loves him some tangerines, they're his favorite, and he said that these ones are the best he's ever had. I got a pasta dinner thing that is just add water and mayo for under $5, might go good with chicken, and those fig bar cookies up there are to die for. Richer, moister, and figgier than the leading Newton. Plus they have every different flavor of them, like peach and apple cinnamon. I am definitely liking those cookies. They dont have the weird health food store taste, they just taste...fresh. Not tolerable, but truly good and fresh.

I also bought three of their teas because I am a tea drinker about this time of year and they were all $2 a box. I cant get good tea for under $3 at Stater's. They had some loose leaf stuff, but I wanted bags. I got chocolate, strawberry, and white pomegranate. I like sweet and fruity teas so these should be fantastic. I will keep you posted on that. Plus I got David a protein shake which he said was awesome.

You bag your own groceries, and the checkers are super sweet but not in a scary way, which is a relief because at Stater's they all know me and they're either mean or over nice. They gave Wade a sticker and some of those rub on tattoos. Plus she gave me a book of more of those $5 your next $20 purchase coupons. Score!

Here's my conclusion about Fresh and Easy. They sell everything at this store that I normally buy every week. They have fish, chicken, fresh produce, they have it! Could I replace Stater's with this store? I could. I wont, but I could, simply because of what our family eats. Your family might not be the same, and that's fine. As far as not having one here right by my house, I'm in Yucaipa every Sunday anyway to visit my sister, so we could make it a thing if we wanted to.

It really is like going to the market as opposed to going to the store.

One more thing, their carts are weird. They're long and shallow and they have cup holders. And I liked this store so much, that I even put my cart back in the thingy. I never put my cart back in the thingy at Stater's.

What's All This Then?

Oh so much to talk about today, am I right? This is the ca-raziest election since the porn star vs. The Terminator vs. Gary Coleman.

The webbernet is all a-buzz with the rumors of what is going to happen on October 1st. You've heard, right? About October 1st? According to some pretty shady sources, on October 1st Bush is supposed to cancel the election, suspend the constitution, and declare Martial Law.

Is it true? I have no fucking idea, but I do know that in times like these (see also Y2K) people tend to play on our fears, and what is the one thing that over 70% of the nation fears right now? George W. Bush being in power for any longer than he has to be, am I right? Furthermore, I'm no expert, but aren't the president's powers derived from the constitution? If he suspends the constitution, wont he technically be pwning himself? Someone please get back to me on that.

Another thing to keep in mind is that in WWII the government was telling us when to turn our lights off, our grocery stores were only open during certain hours, you know, things changed. They called it sacrifice. Well people, if we get into a situation like that now, there will always be some asshole calling it martial law! See, the government cant tell me that I cant go buy a new flat screen TV, the government cant tell me that I cant go out and buy a brand new car every two years...

Yeah, but the government didn't hold your hand and force you to go and open up lines of credit that you yourself knew that you wouldn't really be able to manage. Who got us into this mess with the banks? Technically we did, and was it based on shady business practices? Oh yes, because people aren't smart enough to realize things like "I cant really afford this flat screen TV right now" and the bank's job should have been to stand in the way and say "Look, you owe more money on your house than it's worth, you're $15,000 in debt with credit cards already, you really cant afford another payment right now."

But at the end of the day, who decided to go through with it? Who had the gimme gimme gimme mentality? Both of us did, so neither side can push blame to the other. But you know how that works, because they'll still get their bonuses and we'll still have to work our asses off to make rent. And you know what? We're going to have to change things, make sacrifices. No more giving credit cards to idiots, no more selling houses to underemployed people who will never pay for them.

The thing that gets me is that the white house is saying they were side swiped, totally caught by surprise. A few reporters have said that the bailout plan was actually written a few months ago. And China? China has cockblocked us.

And think about this...what will happen if we do sign it? And what will happen if we don't?

It's welfare for the rich is what it is.

So then we find out that McCain has suspended his campaign in order to deal with the financial crisis. lolwut? Just last week he said that the economy was sound. Now all of the sudden he's flip flopped (yeah I said it) and went to the extreme of suspending his campaign to deal with the sound economy? Even Bush said in his speech last night that the economy is fucked, and you know, it seems like Mr. McCain is just having a senior moment. Which...is scary considering if he's elected he will technically have control of the proverbial red button and everything.

Or maybe he's just indecisive.

Or maybe his VP just needs more vetting and this is a good way to delay the debates.

Or maybe, just maybe, he's batshit insane.

Oooooh and did you hear this? Probably not unless you're from here, but remember Jerry and Muriel? A few months back I talked about those paid signature collectors who sit outside the store and try to get you to sign for things that they want passed, and I "hassled" them by asking for more information than they were able to give me. Specifically, I asked them to explain what "Victim's rights" were. Anyway, I read this in the Press Enterprise Ballot Watch blog...

San Bernardino County Democrats are gathering in front of the registrar's office this morning to elaborate on allegations of voter fraud they made Tuesday. Party officials contend that paid signature gatherers illegally switched voters' registrations to Republican. Democrats discovered the alleged fraud after Republican registrations started to climb rapidly a few weeks ago. The Democrats say they called voters and found 27 who were unaware they had been re-registered as Republican.

Democrats complained to the registrar, who turned the matter over to the district attorney. The Democrats will offer additional details on their investigation at 11 a.m. today at 777 E. Rialto Ave., San Bernardino. They plan to visit some locations where the alleged fraud occurred and see if they can catch anyone in the act. If they do, the Democrats plan to call police and try to get the signature gatherers arrested.

Do you know how pissed I would be to find out that I had been registered with ANY party? If people were fucking with my shit, I would be madder than hell. That's why you should never sign those things, ever. But please do ask them questions like "Alternative energy? You mean like wind? Can you explain to me exactly how they convert wind into electricity? Or how do they do that hydroelectricity stuff? How can they mix water with electricity when that's such a deadly combination?"

Ask them. Do it now. They like it. I swear.

So, let me ask you though...what do you think is going on?

Mommies Make Me Mad!

Mustang Sally knocks, no, pounds on my door this morning.

"Who the gray van is?" she demands.

"Gray van?"

"Yes, it always park in my spot. I'm so pissed!"

"Sally we don't have assigned parking here."

"I don't care, that's my spot! I've lived here for two years and I've always used the same spot! They cant just come in here and take it like that! I leave a note on their windshield..."

"Don't do that Sally, you'll get in trouble."

"They're the ones who should be in trouble. That is my spot! Don't you ever look around and see that everybody here parks in the same spot always?"

"That's ridiculous Sally, I don't park in the same spot every night, it's just you who does that."

"Then they should notice it and know better than to park in my damn spot!"

Oy.

Well I ended up at Sally's house for a while this morning trying to fix the wireless internet as it went down yesterday and I was unable to connect to it, and while I was there she was watching The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. I actually sort of liked that show a little before I got rid of my TV. Anyway, one of the segments was about Mommy Cliques and how they're all a bunch of bitches or some shit. I couldn't hear everything that was being said, but one of the women on the panel was a survivor of rejection by a mommy clique.

You might think that's outrageous but you'd be surprised at how vicious these packs of bitches can be.

Remember the stroller club? I mentioned them a while back, referring to the group of moms who hang out toward the front of the overhang while waiting for school to let out, and they all just gossip and talk about who had the worst labor and who had the heaviest menstrual flow or whatever. Anyway, I don't fit in with those gals. Not only because I refuse to make my way over to their little circle, but because of some of the things that they say, you know, I just cant relate.

Today I had dropped one of my knitting needles on the ground, and it was aluminum and really thin (a size 4) so it broke the tip off, and I don't know if you understand how annoying it is to have a knitting needle with a broken tip, but it scratches your skin ever so slightly while working the stitches and it's the most annoying thing in the world, like nails on a chalk board. So while I was waiting, I stood there and tried to sort of "sand" the tip against the concrete pillar I was standing by. The stroller club all just looked at me as I did it. Nobody asked me about it, but they did look at me like "what the fuck is she doing with that crochet thing?"

I'm not the crazy one here.

On the show someone mentioned that there is always a leader, sort of a team captain that tells everyone what their group's opinion on breast feeding and cloth diapering is and they stick to it. It's not like one of those shows where you have the one side that says eight is not too young to dye your daughter's hair and the other side argues against any piercings before 16, no, they all agree on their things and that's what makes them powerful.

Well the stroller club, it has a leader, and I call her Clown Car. This is because every time I see her she has a different set of kids running around her and a different baby attached to her hip. But I know these kids are hers because the kids all look exactly alike and they all look exactly like her. One of those freaky mirror families where they just create an army of clones, as opposed to our little family where the boys came out with a nice mix of genes in a spectacular array of colors. Nothing wrong with it either way, but the Clown Car lady just basically has a bunch of clones. Clown Car is best friends with Principal McCuddleson, is like the god damned queen of the PTA five times over, and I'll bet dollars to donuts that she either drives a huge SUV or a mini van. Otherwise I don't know how she transports all those kids, unless perhaps, they you know, get back into the clown car...

Anyway, last week they were all up on some kind of "well my kid" thing. You know. "Well my kid loves school so much that she picks out her outfits the night before and begs to do more homework." "Well my kid just loves to eat her vegetables." You know. Mommyblogger stuff. Stuff like that. Only last week their "well my kid" thing was in a negative light, like how they drive mommy crazy.

Here's what got me. One mom says "My daughter, oh, she HATES to have her socks crooked. They have to be SO PERFECT in order for her to put her shoes on or else she like gets all suicidal."

Clown Car says "Oh yeah my son is like that too but he's autistic."

"Really?" says the other mom.

"Yeah, you know what? Let me give you the number to our doctor, he's really good. I'm sure he'll diagnose her and get her started on the medication right away."

"Okay good, because I just cant stand her fits anymore."

"Mmm hmm, tell me about it. The medication my son is on," she snaps her fingers, "total attitude readjustment. Like that."

There are so many things wrong with that conversation...I just...I just don't know where to start. One thing is for sure, I might not fit in with the mommy cliques, but perhaps that's a really good thing. I've already had overzealous preschool teachers swear up and down that Ty was autistic just because he didn't like stickers on his skin and he loves to stick to routines, and when the results came back that he wasn't autistic just smart and quirky they just sort of shrugged it off. I don't need a group of mommies cramming pills down his throat too.

I mean, is it weird? Did that conversation seem weird? Because it struck me as weird.

The Bus Is Bullshit.

I fucking told you I didn't want my kid riding the damn bus, then I get all soft and let him ride because he loves it so much and then the stupid bus people change the time from 9:56 to 9:53 and I get there at 9:52 and the bus is already gone but the lady across the street doesn't tell us that a school bus went by right before we got there until 10 after 10 so we had to drive him, and then when we get there I see the guy and I go "Hey! You totally left before the regular time and my son missed you!" and he was like "Oh they changed the time" and I was like "Why wasn't I notified" and he was like "Uh it's hard to do that" and I'm like "why there's only like two kids at our stop" and he's like "I waited till 9:55" and I was like "I got there at 9:52" and he's like "my watch is atomic" or some shit and I'm like "Yeah but why wasn't I notified" and he was like "sorry."

Nice fella.

The bus is bullshit.

Luckily we had our car back from the shop and everything but it was still really inconvenient to have been left. We wont be doing the bus anymore unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't know, I mean Ty's ridden the bus for several days now and my time here at home has been the same, and considering we weren't notified of anything I think that it is bullshit. And this is exactly why I don't like to rely on other people, because frankly other people are unreliable.

But so is my car, so that's why there are busses.

But we did some talking, and after David's entire paycheck going to fix this latest problem (see also the $1600 engine a few months ago and the whatever it was before that) and we figured out that frankly it might be better to make payments on a new car rather than have all of these unexpected expenses come up on our crappy car. Like, I know when my bills are due, and we pay them on time (or within the grace period, whatev.) But having to fork out every penny when I need to go to the store? That's not a good thing. We, probably like you, live paycheck to paycheck. In fact lots of people live paycheck to paycheck or have at some time in their life, so you probably know what it is like to have random horrible things happen like your breadwinner breaking a collar bone or some asshole stealing your 12 year old Civic.

Can we afford a new car? Well we cant afford to keep repairing this money pit on wheels, that's for sure. We've had it seven months and including the money we spent to buy it and then repair it all of these times, we've spent roughly $7,000 on it. That equals out to $1,000 a month, and I am sure that I can get a car that wont have thousand dollar payments. I mean, if we can afford the Oldsmobile then I think we can definitely swing a nice Corolla or something for $300 a month.

We got one of those letters from a dealership promising an extra thousand dollars on top of our car's trade in value, and we did the math and figured out that we do in fact meet the income requirements and everything, but we don't have any collateral. I have a computer, and some yarn, but other than that this turnip is pretty much out of blood. Or something. So we asked David's dad what to do, and if he could maybe co-sign. Worth a shot.

He agreed that we need a new car because this one just isn't cutting the mustard, but he wouldn't agree to co-sign anything right now. Even with no support from him, he at least agreed that the idea was good, so we tried again with my sister. My sister, if you recall, bought this Oldsmobile for us when the Civic was stolen and then we paid her back when we got our tax refund like a month later. We're good, she's good. So we ask and she also thinks that it's a good idea, but she wouldn't give an answer about the co-signing, so we went in the other room to ask my brother in law. You know, if mom says maybe ask dad. Well Matt thought that it was such a good idea that he called up this guy who he plays tennis with at the park because I guess the guy has cousins who own a bunch of dealerships in Redlands.

The guy says "Oh yeah, I'll get you a car, no prob." We tell him that we want something in the $8,000-$12,000 range, either new or like two years old, and something from Japan. Americans can not make cars people, I drive an Oldsmobile, ask me about it some time. Anyway the guy says that he recently got his mom this really nice Honda that they wanted $17k for and he got it for $9k, so he can get us a deal. "You want a Beamer? I could get you a brand new Beamer for that price."

No, no Beamers, just a nice Toyota will do.

"You want an SUV? Something with a spoiler and moon roof?"

No, no spoilers or gas guzzlers, just some kind of really fuel efficient sedan.

He promises to find me a really good car by the end of the week.

And we didn't even ask or expect this, but my sister is going to just pay for the car up front and we will make payments to her so nobody has to pay interest and we don't have to pay for full coverage on it. Um...okay...that's cool. "BUT YOU BETTER NOT FUCK ME OVER!" my brother in law yells into the phone at me. Yeesh, when have we ever fucked them over? I'm good for it, I swear.

So I'm getting a new car. One that wont leave me stranded and confused when David goes to Sacramento...one that will actually make it to Sacramento, one that we can roll the back windows down on, one that if David rams into a truck I'll run HIM into a truck.

Oh goodie goodie goodie! *rubs hands together maniacally*

This is the review of the 2000 Oldsmobile Alero that I left on Kelly Blue Book's website.

Bought the car used in Feb of 08 with 100,000 miles on it. Car kept overheating even though it had the right amount and right type of fluid. Fuel injector leaked into the engine and caused the pistons to seize and blew a rod through the back of the engine and the starter at the same time at 109,000 miles (even with proper oil changes and maintenance.) Alternator went out 113,000, tranny mounts and tranny gasket and air temperature sensor went out at 114,000. Turn signal is retarded, it is a $30 dealer only part made in Great Britain. The flasher IS the emergency flasher switch.

Furthermore, poor interior design. There is one cup holder that is fine, but then there is another one directly above the shifter so it is pointless to put anything there unless you want it spilled. Random crap breaks off like the interior panels and dome light. Ignition is nearly impossible to put a key in and turn it and have it work within the first seven times of jiggling it around. Gas mileage? Yeah right. Maybe 16 miles per gallon. That might have something to do with the catalytic converter, which was always bad from the get go.

Mostly retarded, fully a waste of money, time, and effort regarding the amount of repairs on this craptacular wagon of doom. We bought it for $3400, and have put about $2500 into fixing the thing. We've only had it for seven months and we are going to push it over a cliff and hope it explodes in a fury of horrible American made machinery. But it is such a horrible car that it probably wont even put on a good show. Good riddance to Oldsmobile's everywhere!!!!!!!!!

My Morning

The Photo Challenge this week was "My Morning," and I've seen lots of great pictures of coffee and such that I admit I cannot top. I wanted to take a picture of David sleeping next to me, but that was hard because I kept forgetting to put the camera in the room the night before to remind me, and also he wakes up before me, so that idea was blown. And for some reason, my "skillz" have been off and I cant seem to take a good picture as of late, like my stuff comes out blurry or uninteresting, like I've lost my touch. This happens every so often, it comes back. Still, I have some shots of my morning that I'd like to share.

When I finally come crawling out of my room in the morning, I usually come out to the living room and look outside. I'd like to tell you that this is what I saw one morning, but what I actually saw was my camera left out, indicating that David had taken a picture. This is what David saw earlier that morning...

The one and only eco-friendly Hummer. You can see the green on his wings and the little rosy red spots by his eyes. And that is the picture that I wish to submit for the collage this week because the other morning pictures are not so good.

Essentially I have no major morning duties because David gets up so early to run and then he comes home and feeds the kids and such, leaving me with basically just getting the kids in the shower then dressed then taking Ty off to school. Anything I do is really more like late morning/noon.

This is by my front door. It's literally just nails with things hanging from them. Some of these items are here strictly for the fall, so sometimes these objects change. On the far left you see my hoodie, which I'll wear if it's cold obviously. Next to that is a sequined scarf/belt that I made to match that Slutty Grape dress that I bought, it might look nice around my neck on cold mornings as well. Then there's Ty's backpack which I have to drop a granola bar into every morning for snack. Well I guess that's a morning duty.

That small green and brown striped bag is a "peach protector," just a little draw string bag that I knit up one afternoon that I put fruit in if he's taking fruit, that way it doesn't get bruised or anything. That bus thing with crap glued to it is something Ty made at Lakeshore a while back, I don't know why it hangs there but I haven't the heart to throw it away. Oh, and then if it's cold, and it matches my outfit, I might sport my Obama hat. It simultaneously keeps me noggin warm and angers the rich. I am also going to be knitting a hat soon that has a skull and cross fork and spoon (as opposed to cross bones) that says "Eat the rich" for after the election. What can I say? I like to get my message across in hat form.

If you like the Obama hat, check my sidebar and order one for yourself.

And last on the far right are my environmentally sound Stater's bags. They're canvas and they cost me a dollar, but I got them on the week that they were buy one get one so I got eight of them for $4. They're awesome because they hold way more than the plastic or paper bags and they don't bust when they're full of cans and cartons of milk. The weird thing is, yesterday I went and got some stuff and the bag boy, a new one who I call Diegor, he asked me if plastic bags were okay and I said "No because I have canvas bags." Then the cashier says to him "Don't you think that sounded a little rude?" He said yeah. I was like, "Um...I'm sorry, was I rude?" then she ignored me to help some lady with a return. It was so weird.

As you can see, the weirdness is alive and well at Staters, just in case you were worried.

So anyway, I also check my email and blog comments in the morning, and if it isn't too hot out (because yeah, sometimes it's like 80+ degrees at 8:45 in the morning) I will drag my laptop podium out and sit on my balcony.

Let's get a closer look at my new dollar store gargoyle friends in my plant.

Aren't they cute? I got them from the Dollar Tree. They're really heavy and sturdy so I might go back and get more to use for book ends, but of course it is hard to find any that aren't chipped. It's the dollar store, what do you expect? Also I discovered that the dollar store is where the diet cherry chocolate Dr Pepper went to die. They have a whole big stack of them there. Six for a dollar. Mmm.

Anyway, my morning isn't really anything to photograph, or anything that really should be photographed. The other parts of my day are much more exciting, like when I...or...when I...

Too bad they don't let you take pictures in the store.

Essentially How Bombshell Came About

I saw this on Post Secret and it really seemed to sum up what fueled me to write Bombshell. You can read all about Bombshell and my other books at the new and improved Jessie-Terwilliger.com.

And Do You Ever Call Your Governor?

Because I did yesterday afternoon after I wrote to my congressman.

Now, before I tell you why I daringly told The Terminator my Do Not Want, let me first tell you about the sex education class I took in 9th grade.

It was not called sex education, but something like "Life Education" or something to that effect because it did not just teach about sex but also eating disorders, depression, and even death. But the sex part, I remember my teacher standing in front of the class that day before she began that one lesson we had all anxiously been waiting for. I'll never forget what she said.

"Contrary to what you may have heard, no, I do not put a condom on a banana. I do not teach you how to pleasure your partner. I do not teach you about masturbation. I simply teach you about your body, and the body of the opposite sex, and how it all works. I will teach you how a baby is made, how to prevent a baby from being made, and how a baby is born. I will teach you about disease, and how to prevent those diseases. Everything else, you're on your own for."

And that's exactly what we were taught. We learned about ovaries and testicles and fallopian tubes and urethras. We watched videos of a lady giving birth, a lady having a c-section, that "Miracle Of Life" video where you see the baby in the womb, x-ray vision of an erection in action, and an inside view of a penis ejaculating into a vagina. It looked like a big white puff of smoke.

She did teach us about birth control, but not abortion. Though she did have the woman who runs the Garden Of Angels at Desert Lawn Cemetery in Calimesa come in. This is a program that gives all of those abandoned dumpster babies a proper burial with a cross, a name, a home made blanket, and a prayer.

So anyway, we did have like a question box that we could drop secret questions into that she would answer, that way nobody had to raise their hand to ask an embarrassing question, and that's when she would sometimes go into something like "What is oral sex" in which she would just sort of answer as vaguely as possible without really explaining how it is done or anything. Now David, in Colorado where he took a class, they showed him a cartoon. He said all he remembers about it was a cartoon penis being on the screen, and then a cartoon hand clamping onto it like a wrench and moving back and fourth and the pleasant voice saying "You can also achieve orgasm by doing this." He said all of the guys in the class all looked at each other at once, then all looked away because "Aw dude! We're all thinking about touching our dicks at the same time!" He also said that his teacher was totally hot and she did in fact answer questions like "what is 69" and "can I do her in the butt."

Okay, now to my point regarding calling the Governor's office. This has been confirmed through snopes. There is a bill sitting on Gov. Schwarzenegger's desk that proposes that May 22nd should be Harvey Milk day (AB 2567.) Harvey Milk was a gay activist in San Francisco until he was killed in 1978.

The text of this bill states that schools CAN (not will/are not being forced to) recognize the life and accomplishments of Harvey Milk on that day. You might have received something in your inbox saying that all teachers will be forced into teaching your kindergartner about gay sex on that day. This is false. Assemblyman Mark Leno, the bill's sponsor, said "There is no requirement of any school to do anything. We hope that Harvey Milk day will provide an opportunity for teachers to share with their students why the Governor has declared May 22nd as a special day. We believe that with this additional information, LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi and transgender) students would have ever more reason to be proud of who they are and that straight students would understand this has been a civil rights battle, thereby raising their consciousness as well, likely decreasing the amount of violence and bullying that goes on."

So my response to this proposed bill, which still sits on his desk because California is having a budget crisis and the Governator himself has yet to approve the new budget so any bills that cross his desk are being withheld, may surprise you.

I am against AB 2567.

Now, it's not because I have any particular problem with the gays. In fact, Connie asked me yesterday what I thought about gay marriage and if I would vote for gay marriage to be legal in California. The way I see it is it's none of my business OR yours. My mother in law, who is a Christian, said to me "There's just one thing I cant get over and it's those gays." You know, because God said it was wrong and all.

Well God also said, according to the two chapters of the new testament that I actually sat and read before getting bored, that divorcees are adulterers if they marry someone else while their spouse is still alive. I cant get over that. I guess we all have our hangups, mine is divorce. But then again, it's really none of my business. I mean, if a remarried divorcee is "forgiven," then why isn't a gay person? It's like, how can you go around calling kettles black when you're black yourself, know what I mean?

And as far as gay marriage goes, and what that will do to marriage as in the union of a man and a woman, there are people out there who say that if we just allow anyone to marry anyone then real marriages will mean less. I disagree, because if anything (speaking strictly "from the eyes of God") it would make my straight marriage that much better. If you don't think married gay couples are forgiven, then what's it to you? How does it hurt you in any way? It doesn't! It's like having Star Wars action figures from the 70's still in their original packaging as opposed to the remakes they put out in recent years. Those vintage ones are special, and worth more.

But I don't collect action figures so I really don't give a crap how much they're worth or when they were made.

So my point in being against this bill is that it's irrelevant to bring this kind of thing up in schools. The little sex they do teach in schools has to do with your body and the body of the opposite sex; how they work, the mechanics of how they fit together, how life is created, and how not to catch The Clap. I mean, if I'm a lesbian, and I already know my body, well then I already know my partner's body then don't I? What the hell do I need to know about dicks for?

Unless of course I am bi, and in that case it's all well and good because they already teach both.

As far as teaching students about the civil rights battle and decreasing the amount of violence and bullying in schools, I call bullshit. Hate is taught at home, and so is religion, and so is acceptance. The schools shouldn't be responsible for teaching kids one way or another how to feel about gays because whether you like it or not it is my right to teach my child to accept people for who they are, just like it's your right to teach your child that God created the world and men shouldn't sleep with men. Leave the schools out of it. If you want prayer in school, send your kids to a church school. If you don't want prayer in school, don't let bills like AB 2567 pass because I'll tell you what, the second we start letting things like THIS get into our schools, the next thing we know they'll be teaching creationism in schools. Teach creationism at church, teach science in schools. Both sides need to back down, because even though we haven't let creationism into schools, that doesn't mean we need to start trying to let more liberal teachings in. Let's keep it at a happy neutral and leave it at that.

And as for bullying, many campuses already have a zero tolerance policy on bullying and furthermore if action is not taken against the punk ass who is calling the gay boy a fag and pushing his face into toilets or whatever, the ACLU gets involved. Yeah, let's actually just start teaching our school children about the ACLU, and leave it at that. When I was in high school I had the ACLU's number programmed into my phone. I only had to threaten the principal with it once, but that's a whole 'nother blog.

So Californian's who agree with me, this will only take a minute, call the Governor's office and tell him to veto that bill. Here's how:

Dial 916-445-2841, press 1 for English. Tell the staff member that you are opposed to AB 2567 and you want Governor Schwarzenegger to veto it. They'll simply ask for your name and your city. It takes just a few minutes, so go voice your opinion. Tell to him your Do Not Want.

Or don't, and just let it go through. This was just one asshole's opinion.

Do You Write To Your Congressman?

Because I do.

Here's what I sent to Mr. Jerry Lewis this afternoon:

Mr. Lewis,

I am greatly concerned over the possibility of sending money to Georgia. I whole heartedly disagree with this notion for many reasons. One being that we simply don't have that kind of money right now with the economy as bad as it is and with the banks collapsing, and another reason is simply the fact that we need to help the people here at home out more than we need to start another humanitarian project somewhere else. The people in Galveston Texas who are without homes and basic needs because of the hurricane, for example, should be our priority at this point in time. I am all about humanitarian projects, but I don't think that this is the right time to get involved with what is going on with other countries.

I thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jessie P. Terwilliger, Author

I've written to this man many times, expressing to him all of my various Do Not Wants. A few years ago I actually got a phone call from one of his staff peoples telling me that they had taken my complaint into consideration and that yes, the Child Protective Services building in Moreno Valley would in fact undergo a major renovation. This was back when I had my niece with me and we had to do the visitations with her mother at the CPS office and the conditions were deplorable. Filthy carpets, broken toys, filthy walls, food dropped behind furniture...the kind of thing that people get their kids taken away for, know what I mean Vern?

Actually, my first ever Do Not Want letter was written to Bill Clinton in 1994 when I was about 10 years old. I don't remember all of the details, but it was something about inhumanely trapping coyotes and killing them and how mean I thought that was. (But I can assure you that it wasn't nearly as inhumane as shooting wolves from helicopters, amiright?) Anyway, I don't think it did anything, but I did get a big signed photograph and some kind of letter thanking me for my concern on the issue.

I guess that's when I first got politically active. I don't know. I just heard that they were hurting doggies and I was like "OMG I AM SO WRITING TO THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THIS!"

Or more 1994-like, "Wow, I like totally agree with them killing coyotes. Psyche!"

Anyway, I wrote to Jerry Lewis today because I am fired up about the notion of billions of dollars going to another country when we have enough problems at home, as I expressed in the letter. If you agree with what I had to say, write to your own congressman. Simply Google their name, or google who your congressman is if you don't know it, and you'll find their website. From there you can send them an email, and for serious, they read them. I encourage every one of you to do this today, you can even copy/paste my letter and change the necessary words around if you want to.

Tell them what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful.

Building A Log Cabin

The bus rides went well from what I understand from Ty. He was so excited that he blanked when the bus driver asked for his bus pass and he just stood there for a minute with his wallet in his hand. Then he left his backpack on the steps of the bus when he was going back to his seat. So good, we know for next time that it's an all right experience for him. The car is fixed, $470 $600 later (fuck.) Turns out Auto Zone keeps selling us bad alternators, it's not the car, but we did have cracked tranny mounts or something so they had to fix those, which means the mysterious rattling noise is gone. Hooray for that. But then something else was wrong, some kind of gasket related fucktardery, either way there went the vast majority of this week's paycheck. Be sure to tip your pizza boy this week.

Fuck the banks running off with everyone's money, it's the auto mechanics, and by proxy Oldsmobile GM.

*updated: Scratch all that. Thing's still broken. Buy a hat or a book or something.

And if shit around here isn't breaking enough for you, as I was sitting in the living room knitting quietly, the light fixture thing in the kitchen like totally fell out of the ceiling and was dangling by a cord for several hours until they sent the guy to come fix it.

Does nothing around here work anymore?

Turns out, whoever put it in like didn't even bolt it to the ceiling or anything, it was just kind of magically stuck to the ceiling like with paint or something. I've been here almost four years. Is this weird? (y or n)

It's starting to cool off a little. Not really, but sort of kind of. Man, I remember when 90 was hot. Now it's just sort of mildly tolerable...oh but global warming is a lie. Get a pencil, write that down. I've begun thinking about Christmas presents already, which might sound crazy to you but I knit so it makes perfect sense to be thinking about it right now because I need a head start. I only intend to knit for people who will actually appreciate it or who I have no idea what else to give. Me thinks, possibly, a few people might end up with log cabin quilts, like you see in the picture up there. I am working on this one for my living room.

What started the idea to make one, and I have wanted to make one for a long time but I never got around to it, was I de-stashed and gave away two bags full of yarn to this lady on Freecycle who mails it to a friend in Nebraska who uses it to make clothes and blankets for the neighborhood kids since they don't get a lot of Christmas presents. Not more than a few hours after she came and picked up what I painstakingly and blindly threw into the bags so I couldn't second guess myself, David comes home with a big box of yarn courtesy of his grandmother. She's also the one responsible for that family tree quilt I showed you and the filing cabinet that I have already filled an entire drawer of with my manuscripts. Anyway, I sighed. It's all worsted acrylic stuff, some of which looks to be older than I am. So out of boredom after finishing David's cabled hat, I grabbed a few balls that matched the furniture (see also carpet matching the drapes) and started working out the log cabin technique.

It's simple really, and best of all there are no rules! Log cabin quilts are made from the center-out, and there is no sewing required because you just sort of keep going around and around and around with the different colors by picking up stitches. I've messed up a little on this one by picking up the stitches on the wrong side a few times, but I don't think it matters. It will when I make them for other people, but for my ugly couches, that'll do pig. That'll do. Even still, I've decided to turn this project into a pillow for the ugly couches because I don't think I have enough of that red to make a full blanket. But still, who doesn't appreciate a good throw pillow every now and then? Can I get a woop woop?

It's kind of fun for a garter stitch project because there are color changes and the result is really cool, so your mind gets flexed just a little, plus it makes for good TV knitting Youtube knitting.

Meanwhile, the neighbor comes over with her hair soaked and dripping with some kind of translucent oil and asks me to help her remove all 200 of the hair extensions we put in a few weeks ago. She said they're driving her nuts, and she just knows they're all tangled and matted and she's done with them. I have also decided not to get the extensions. But anyway, she's all slick and asking me to pull her hair and I don't want to! I have major OCD issues about touching wet things and hair, particularly wet hair, and I am very weird about touching chemicals. It takes me months to decide to switch shampoos because I'm afraid to touch the new one. So this particular situation was really really icky.

I tried to talk my way out of it, suggesting that she go to a salon because I'm afraid of ruining her hair, but then she got all puppy-dog eyed on me and said "But I need you."

God damn. Now I know why mens buy her Mustangs. She is a manipulative little heathen.

It was terrible. She's all greasy and yelling at me to pull it harder. "Come closer!" she demands.

Needless to say, I clenched my teeth while pulling on her messy fake locks of hair, cringing every time my fingers slipped because of all of that oil or whatever was all over her. Was that really necessary? All that oil?

Scary thing is? There are going to be at least 15 people who have misgoogled their porn that will fap to that story.

She found out that David and I call her Mustang Sally because David texted me yesterday while she and I were at Ty's school and he says "You have to come by my work in Sally's car." Well, then I had to explain to her about that old song "Mustang Sally," and how the song is telling Mustang Sally that she'd better slow her Mustang down. She tells me "I slow down for nothing. Not speed bumps or nothing."

Then today she drives by David's work and honks and him, revs her engine and yells "You call me a Sally? You conopidă!" Yeah. She totally called him a cauliflower in Romanian.

I dont really have anything snappy to say to end this one, it kind of took on a life of its own.

"Public Transportation Is For Jerks And Lesbians." -Homer Simpson

I have a bus riding kindergartner now. But let us not make a habit of this nonsense, it's just an emergency plan because our Katrina car is yeah, poopy. Americans cant do a god damn thing right when it comes to building cars it seems, and neither can the Brits. Get this, our turn signals? The part cost $30, only available through the dealership, was recalled back in 2003, and was made in Great Britain.

Wut?

I almost got to drive Mustang Sally's Mustang to go pick up Ty but it's a stick and I blanked and forgot which one was the clutch, so she drove me instead.

Right, so the car needs to go into the shop and Ty doesn't have a ride because the neighbor is working again, my sister isn't off track till the end of October, and my brother Rob who is the last person on the emergency contact list...well...let's just say that I put him there because I had no one else to fill the spot. My brother used to be so bad about picking me up on time from school that one time he just plum forgot me, and I walked, locals will understand my pain here, I walked from the high school all the way to where I lived at the time (which was with him) over near the Jack in the Box in Calimesa. Google Maps calls it 4.6 miles. That's a far walk, is it not?

Anyway, I'm not really a fan of the school busses. I was repeatedly harassed on the school bus when I was in third grade by a girl named Kim Bergeon (I hope you're reading this you flat backing whore) who thought that it was really super funny that my dad was dead. Yeah. Of all things to be made fun of for, she made fun of my dead dad. Lovely, right? And the bus drivers, they don't give a shit about that stuff. You know, it's one adult who is trying to simultaneously drive while supervising about 30 kids...one of those things has to take precedence over the other, and I can guarantee it's the driving. As a parent it makes me uncomfortable, know what I mean?

In middle school we had this fat blonde bitch who, when it was getting toward the end of the month, would park the bus on the side of the road and make us sit for a half an hour so she could rake up some extra time on her paycheck. She'd tell us "I'm not going anywhere till this bus is QUIET!" Only the bus WOULD be quiet, she was just trying to be a bitch. And of course us kids couldn't do anything about it, we might tell someone but they'd say "Oh well she just wants you kids to settle down." But hey! I'm an adult now, and I can tell you straight up that this woman's stopping of the bus and making us late to watch Pinky and the Brain was unwarranted.

Oy, and the high school bus...well the band bus anyway, and the late bus...

I once saw a chick blow a dude for a quarter. On the bus.

David's cousin Nick was almost completely stripped naked during a game of Strip Trivial Pursuit on the band bus. Then this girl he was seeing walked right up to him and slapped him across the face and called him an asshole.

We would go on all of these competitions where we would be on a bus at night for sometimes over an hour. You don't think there were a few hand jobs going on? You don't think that the blanket over Jessica T.'s head in Scott's lap was to cover up the fact that she had his penor in her mouth? You don't think that Bea and Stephanie weren't really fingering each other under that beach towel?

Sex? On my band bus? It's more likely than you think.

I mean, that's band kids, band kids are bad by nature, but even on the late bus I was offered some LSD delivered on an Altoid by a big scary Mexican fella. I said no thank you but the opportunity was there. He also dropped his pants on a dare and rode the whole way home in his boxers.

Not what I'd like to have my kids exposed to, really.

I'm just not really one to agree with usual bus riding. I use my own experience to make this decision, but you know, I see a lot of me in Ty. He's kind of a spaz, and if there's one thing I relate to its being kind of a spaz. He's on a different wave length than the other kids, which makes him an easy target, because as we can see from the likes of Kim Bergeon, kids make fun of people who are different in any way if they don't understand the difference.

Anyway, the bus pass was free because Ty was a Portable Elementary School student, or should have been, but since they closed the school and he's being forced to go to McMansion Elementary, they're considering him overflow so we get a free pass for the inconvenience of our home school being closed. As far as safety goes, I signed a paper saying that Ty cannot be dropped off without me or David there at the bus stop waiting for him so we wont have to worry about Stranger Danger. I don't know about you, but Stranger Danger is a big concern of mine.

So this should be pretty interesting. Another big step I guess, even if it's just for one day and maybe a few scattered days throughout the year. It was already kind of freaky when I started dropping him off in front of the school instead of walking him all the way to the cafeteria and helping him get his lunch like I have been doing. And then when David went with me to drop him off on Monday he got a little freaked out too. It's a weird feeling that first time, and I'm sure I'll be weirded out when he gets on the bus. Maybe I just get weirded out because he's so big about it and he waves and says goodbye and turns back several times to make sure I'm leaving.

He's just one of those kids who genuinely loves the crap out of going to school. I don't want to ruin that by putting him on the bus every day.

Are You Ready? pt. II

I don't like to write about things that I don't know about. I maybe don't really know a lot about photography on the big scale, or about writing really since I don't know where to put the commas and semi colons all the time, but I know about knitting I guess. Yeah, that's one of the things that I know a lot about. I knit up this hat for David, my first ever cable project. And after learning intarsia and fair isle, I know a little bit more about knitting because I learned how to do cables.

That's the stuff that I know about, that's the stuff that maybe I should write about. I don't like writing about things that I don't know about. Sure, I'll give an opinion and all, and I will research something that I know little about if I do end up mentioning it, but you know, there was a journalist I saw in a news clip recently who said "But what do I know about all this? I'm just a journalist." Right, but perhaps that journalist should be trying harder to find out WHY it is happening so he can stop the lies and spin of the media and just tell us what we need to know. Is that too much to ask?

Here's the thing. I've never heard of Lehman before in my life. I know about Merrill Lynch, or I know of them I should say. And I know that something that I mentioned a while back, something that I put my good/slightly tarnished name on the line by blogging about, is coming to fruition in the news.

So what was it that I discussed on July the 16th of 2008?

A few weeks ago I caught wind of one of those rumors that seem like a hoax simply because of the websites that it was circulating on. Something that the big networks (CNN, FOX, what have you) were not reporting, but what some might say "was only being reported by the underground news networks," aka conspiracy theory websites. Something that my brother Richard would be fapping to.

The rumor that I heard, in a nutshell, was that big time investors and foreigners with a lot of money in American banks were withdrawing large sums of money at such an alarming rate that the banks were putting a 24-48 hour period before they could get your money to you. Now this is just speculation, but if it were true in theory it could mean that either we are about to invade Iran, or our economy is about to collapse.

I wrote that post shortly after the IndyMac bank in Pasadena, Ca closed up. And I did so at a risk. The risk of being called crazy and being associated with the very type of people who I do not want to be associated with in general. Maybe to a lesser extent, the risk of just being wrong about the whole thing.

Then again, my commentary on the bank being closed was rather vague.

Shit is about to hit the fan, and I really don't know what that means. I'm not politically educated enough to know what that means unfortunately, I mean I'm not one to spit on the ground and say that "EVERY GAT DANG THING IS BUSH'S FAULT" but I also know that I hate the republican party as much as I hate the democrats. I'm not smart about this stuff, it's not my field of study. But I do know when something is wrong, and something is wrong.

Right, I said that something is wrong, something smells fishy essentially, and what I didn't mention was the big scheme of what "something is wrong" meant, like the fact that there was (and still is) a list of about 30 banks that are about to collapse, and you and me? We aint going to know shit till it happens. Okay, sure, the ones that are going belly up are the smaller corporations, and it's not like WaMu is about to file Chapter 11 any time soon...or...is it?

I don't know, is it?

Is it?

See, we don't know. And the reason why we don't know is because nobody is telling us. If, say, WaMu goes under or gets bought up, YOU wont know until it's literally upon you. I wont know either, I'm just a blogger. Now, is it true that foreigners are withdrawing funds which is causing all of this financial instability? I have no idea. Does a possible Iran invasion have anything to do with this?

Invasion? In my Iran? It's more likely than you think. Particularly if McCain becomes president. Did you all see the clip of him singing "Bomb Iran" to the tune of a Beach Boys song? Ja.

But again, I'm no expert. All I want to say is that perhaps there really is something to all of this financial nonsense, perhaps there really is something going on. And what does it all mean?

I haven't a fucking clue. Isn't that scary? Not that I don't have a clue about something because that's pretty much the norm, but that you probably don't have a fucking clue either.

Ah, but do you know who did have a clue? Someone we all know predicted this economic collapse...a year before all of this even happened? Ron Paul. Video proof.

Fire Drill: This One Is Pretty Close To Home

There's a fire in Cherry Valley (Upper Beaumont) burning about two miles from my house. I know that sounds scary, but they're ON IT. Here are some pics that I took of it from David's work (which is a block from our house) right when it first started. They're not great, but they at least show you how close/far we are from it.

Here's the plane...



Here they are protecting a house...

I would like to extend my thanks to all of those fire departments who are on this, I don't know them all but racing up my street I saw Beaumont and Hemet fire departments, and I'm sure that Calimesa and Cherry Valley are already up there. Go! Go! Go!

As of 1:45 PM the Press Enterprise is reporting:

About 20 Cherry Valley homes are no longer threatened by a 25-acre blaze after firefighters gained the upperhand on the blaze north of Beaumont.

The fire burning near Orchard Street and Taylor Avenue was bombarded by four air tankers, though flames continue to burn near the head of the fire at the top of the valley.

An easterly wind could push the fire into an area of brush where there are no home, though a nursery is nearby.

So essentially, I'm okay despite what your news stations might be reporting. I usually get a lot of emails about this time when the news says that So Cal is on fire again from people asking if I'm okay, and yes, I am. As always, I will keep this entry updated.

Here is a story about the yearly fires and how us Californian's deal with them.

I Met The Oh My God Lady And I Stand Corrected

The photo challenge this week was "Animals," and by the looks of it this challenge was easy for pet owners. I have a bird. This is Bella the parakeet, you've seen her before. She used to have a boyfriend but she killed him in cold blood by not allowing him to eat or stand on the perches. But she has a really cool personality and she "knits" by making the little clicking noise of the needles. She likes to make that noise when I am knitting by her.

David has pets as well, which are two tobacco horn worms named Benson and Hedges. I forget which one this guy is. David, in case you did not know, is an amateur lepidopterist (butterfly/caterpillar obsessed whack job) so we often have funky little friends like this just lazing about on our plants. We cant kill them or move them, because that would seriously cause a little piece of David's soul to die, so these guys are just gnawing away at my tomato plants. And the funny thing is that he PUT them there after he stole them from my sister's plants. He's seriously into this stuff though, in fact Carl Wood (D,) who is running for State Assemblyman just recently asked David some kind of environmental question that pertains to something about something or something plants something caterpillars, whatever. He lost me at caterpillar. But it's serious business.

And let me just say that these little caterpillars poop little pineapple grenades the size of corn kernels. Real no foolin' corn kernels.

So anyway, I went to go talk to Steppy early this morning to "seal the deal" so to speak. That and make my presence known just in case it wasn't already known with his wife. Don't want any ill gotten or dirty money, you know.

When I drove by Steppy's house, he just happened to be out in his driveway hosing it down. So like a total bitch, I drove into the driveway. He just looked at me. I got out. He continued to look at me. Then he sort of whipped the hose so the water landed just near my shoes for a second.

I knew what this was. It was a Mexican hose stand off.

"You better not," I say, but he stands his ground and jerks the hose again so it sprays even closer to my feet.

"Can you run in those shoes?" he asks.

"Can you still piss straight if I knee you straight in the penor?"

"Point taken," he said, and put the hose down. Yeah. You threaten a man's balls and somehow he's ready to negotiate. I told him I was there to confirm that I was in fact going to accept the money, that I was only kind of sorry for calling him a bitch that time, to discuss the San Diego thing, and get to know his wife.

"All right," he said, and invited me in through the garage, only as we were going in this woman comes bouncing out.

"Oh my god!" she exclaims, "You're Jessie! Oh my god! I LOVED YOUR BOOKS I READ THEM BOTH!!!"

"You did? Wow! Um...thanks..."

"Oh my god, come inside," she tells me. She's a very plain looking woman. Not very pretty, but not very ugly. She offers me water, tea "pop," coffee, whatever I want, and she's treating me like I'm some kind of celebrity and her home is not worthy for me to be in. I assure her that my needs have been met, and I wont be long anyway. But she offers me cheesecake.

"Honey," Steppy says, "she's allergic to milk."

"Oh my god!" she says with bulged out eyes. "I thought you were allergic to shellfish! Oh my god how could I have gotten those two things mixed up? Oh my god..."

I assure her that I'm fine, and not even slightly offended that she forgot my allergy considering she's never even met me. She asked if I would sign a copy of Golden Dawn for her mother, because "oh my god it was sooooo good." I can tell that Steppy is a little annoyed by her fangirlism, and she eventually reads that off of him and quietly slinks into the kitchen to busy herself. Wow. Fascinating woman. Like watching a humming bird.

Steppy gives it to me straight. He says he's going to have me added on to one of his credit cards, and I can just use it for any expense that I have since I do everything on the internet and cash wont really help me there.

Um...no?

I tell him that I dont want that, I dont want my name associated with his credit or anything, and that I dont want to be responsible for his things, though I do intend on being responsible, I dont want to be responsible for something that isn't mine. Like someone's credit? I'm sorry, I am not a smart person but handing over a credit card with my name stamped on it just doesn't seem like a super wise thing to do. I trust me, but why does HE trust me? I found it bothersome. Anyway, I insisted that he not do that, and instead I just sort of like invoice him for anything I need, sort of like how when I go shopping with David and I tell him to "pay the lady" when the total comes up.

It just seems less sugar-daddy-like to me if there are invoices involved and he's more like a billing agent than "I have daddy's credit card," does that make sense?

Well anyway, he agreed to it, however I want to handle it he said. Whatever I need to spend it on he said.

I asked him who owns the bookstore in San Diego, as I thought it was his brother in law, and it's not. It's a cousin in law. Turns out they spoke briefly back when he first asked me and he still needs to call him back and confirm it and everything. So that was kind of a let down, I think he sort of tried to lure me by telling me he had da hookupz when really he only knows a guy who knows a guy sort of thing. It will probably still happen, it's just not as hooked-up as I was led to believe. Sneaky sneaky Steppy. I told him I want things in writing from now on.

He asked me what I needed first, and I said I needed to get my ISBN, but I cant do that until I get the final final draft back from Seattle. And then I need some distribution copies. And then I need some promotional materials and new business cards. He said okay, and that we'd get it all worked out. Then his wife came back in, and Steppy did something weird. We were sitting together on the couch, and he grabs my hand and puts it in his lap on his knee and pats it with his other hand, sort of like "the politician's handshake" if you know what that is. He pats my hand and smiles big and asks if I'm excited. His wife thinks nothing of him holding my hand. I say yeah, I'm excited. His wife is just sort of smiling contentedly to herself as she clears some junk off the coffee table.

"You have a gift Jessie, and you're giving it to the world. And thank you for that," he says, and he kisses my hand. Before I can say anything, I read the look on his face, which was sort of like he was showing me that yeah, he's like that with all females who are close to him and the proof is that he's kissing my hand right there in front of his wife. Sort of as if he was saying that he wasn't a creep for kissing me on the cheek a few weeks ago.

I tell him thank you for his help, and I turn to Mrs. Steppy and say "You have a very affectionate husband, I bet he's all over you."

"Oh my god," she says, "You should see how he is with his sisters."

Steppy looks at me like I told you so.

Wincest? Or is he just constantly touching people and being all lovey for the sake of being lovey? This may have cleared up any further questions that I had about his intentions.

Well anyway, he walks me out, and he says sorry if I thought he was being a pervert a few weeks ago, he's just very affectionate towards women. He assures me that he's not trying to "get into my pants," but he's helping me because he thinks I'm a diamond in the rough and he appreciates the hell out of my literature. I love that. Then his wife came out and brought me some kind of business card with like every phone number they have listed on it, including her email address and their home address. She said she cant wait to read the next book in the Green series, and when do I expect to have it done?

Just. What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?

Everything I thought I knew, I dont know it no more. I only know that I'm on my way to being...like...a celebrity?

They've got their arms around each other's waists as I'm backing out, and he says "All we have to do now is get you over your fear of strangers."

Oh boy, what does that entail?

Have You Ever Wanted To Push Over The Crossing Guard?

Ty has been saving up his allowance and doing odd jobs in order to buy a cement mixer that he saw a while back at Lakeshore, so my sister took him and Wade down to San Bernardino to go buy it, allowing David and I to go do lunch. We decided to go to Pizza Chalet for their $5.99 buffet because I wanted cashew pizza and they're the only ones around here who have it.

Cashews? On my pizza? It's more delicious than you think.

There was spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, garlic bread, sandwiches, a salad bar, and like five different pizzas including the cashew pizza but also a freaky dessert pizza with like apple sauce on it or some shit. And their potato wedges were delicious, in fact I think they buy their potato wedges from the same place that the Stater's deli does.

So it was nice to go on a date, something that we are rarely afforded but somehow always end up at various local buffets. There was football on, and a group of boys that I remember from high school who were loud and yelling at the game. I didn't care. We sat and ate and talked about many fun things.

Like, "So I think there is a direct correlation between the rise in really hot police officers and the dramatic decrease in hot firemen." I say this because I saw some firemen in the store the other day, and I was not impressed, not in the least. And they were young, too. Not a looker among the whole lot of them. Even the classic older guy fireman wasn't a looker. But the cops? Oh god, the cops all got really hot all of the sudden.

David agrees with this, except for one fireman who he calls "Nick" who he says is breathtaking.

I asked him if he's seen the crossing guard at Ty's school. She's adorable. She has the best clothes, the best sunglasses, the best hair, and she does it all wearing high heels. Super strappy cute wedges, stilettos, you name it she's worn it while posing with her cardboard stop sign.

"How did she do it?" I ask David. "The crossing guard at my elementary school was a plump old lady and her house was right on the corner, and she had like 500 different windchimes, windsocks, pinwheels, and random things just stuck to her house. How did this girl become a crossing guard?"

"She probably wore those shoes to her interview."

"Hmm. Well I kind of want to push her over or something just for being so gosh dern cute."

"Okay, and that is why you don't have any friends honey."

He's right you know. I'm always trying to attack people who can do something cuter than me.

So we went and played pinball for a while. It was the pirate Johnny Depp pin ball. We were doing really good until the ball got stuck, so we had to get the guy. He was lifting the machine up and it was saying "DANGER! DANGER!" but it was all good and we got to keep playing. I also got a bouncy ball from a quarter machine. I love those things.

PROTIP: Throw bouncy balls out of your car when you're in traffic on the freeway. Most fun you will ever have. Ever.

Later on we went to WalMart and I got really jealous of the shoes. He said I should practice with the ones that Mustang Sally gave me before I go try anything with a toothpick for a heel. "Or maybe, be nice to the crossing guard and she'll teach you how to walk in them," he suggested.

Not bloody likely. I'll just continue to stand there and watch her and wait for her to step on a pebble and teeter so I can feel like she might be human or something.

Well...my boobs are bigger, so HA.

She A Punk Who Rarely Ever Took Advice

In Academy, if you're overweight (and most of you will be unpleasantly surprised at what exactly they consider to be overweight) you not only have to sit at the "fat table" and write down every single thing you put in your fat gullet, but you have to write your name on a marshmallow and carry it around with you everywhere. 80% of the class starts out on that table.

I wonder how many people get so desperate that they just eat the mallow? That's probably what I would do, which is why I am not the one who is going.

Is David going? Still no word from background, but we did get a really really good piece of news that will make the process move a lot smoother, and I cant share it with you but believe me, it's big.

He had the day off today to work on the car. The alternator went out AGAIN (third time) and it has no blinkers and those brake lights are going to get us a ticket.

Does nothing ever go right? For the love of mother fuck.

So after talking to David about it, I've made a serious decision, and I am sticking to this one, no more wavering back and fourth. I am going to ultimately accept Steppy's help, I am going to do the signing, and I am going to stop being so skittish. Yes, I am going to go meet his wife and all that, but I am going to accept the man's help.

Why? Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm not getting anywhere with these books. Maybe I still wont get anywhere, but I will at least get farther than I would have. Yeah, throwing caution to the wind and just going for it, because it will probably all work out for the better anyway.

The thing is that most of the prep work and promotions and behind the scene getting ready stuff for Bombshell will happen while David is gone, IF David is gone.

Yeah, Steppy is weird, but I've stopped caring. He's aware that I am on to his game, if there even is a game. Like the neighbor said, you cant expect too much of mens. Oh but we're still not partners, I will pay him back someday, possibly years from now, but I'm going to stop playing hard to get (except for in the department where it counts) and I am going to allow this man to better myself. I have no idea if that came out how I wanted it to or even somewhat coherently.

Bottom line, it takes money to get things done. Traditionally authors have the big corporate whores that are publishers to provide that money. I have a mild mannered cop with arms like the Popeye. Or maybe like he should be on the paper towels. Whatev. Business is business.

I intend to storm into his house on Monday and set up that trip to San Diego. I obviously cant deal with this stuff on my own so I will do it with help.

And if this doesn't work, I'm getting Mustang Sally to be my agent, because I am convinced that she will suck the blood of anyone who doesnt buy at least two hundred copies of my book.

Then again, guy with a taser is helpful as well.

I have the coolest minions.

Mens

I told my neighbor about that facepalm moment with the cop. She says, "I don't see why you get so shy with mens. Me? I love attention, I command their attention from them. Why you so stupid around mens? Why you cant socialize?"

Do you love her? She uses broken English combined with big words. She says phrases like you know what they say, the dogs that bark don't bite.

"God," she says, "David gets a uniform and he'll have to take it off in the parking lot so you do not rape him. You crazy."

There's definitely a culture clash that is apparent when I hang out with my neighbor. One night, she tells me "I know what we do."

Okay...where is this going?

"Nice romantic dinner for you and David. I cook, I cook. Then, I make the bed, do it up with rose petals, light all the candles, and then I just leave somewhere and you call me when you're done."

"You want me to have sex in your house...on your bed?"

"Pfft, it nothing. That's what friend is for."

"Huh."

"Oh, I need your help," she says, "I'm trying to put mirrors on the ceiling in there, but I need you to hold while I drill them. I already have mirrors on the walls though."

I swear on everything that is freaking holy, this woman is quite possibly the most interesting person I've ever met.

She forced me to drink Lemonchello one night. I don't drink alcohol at all, so this was quite a shock to the ol' tastebuds. She's throwing it back as she's telling me about this guy she met at her work, some regional manager for a very major company. She tells me, "He has a brother who is filty filty rich. Filty filty rich." She looks at me. "But you're already married."

I lol'd. She gave me some really high heels and a leather coat from Transylvania. Then she pulled this bag out of her closet and started pulling things out of it one by one. It was all just lingerie and naughty, naughty things, and she has a story for everything in that bag.

You know how Victoria's Secret puts out a $4,000 diamond studded thing every year? It's what all the celebrity brides are buying?

She has one. Yeah. Some guy bought it for her a few years ago.

She has a diamond necklace with matching earrings that she claims are worth thousands that some guy gave to her. She showed me the registration to her Mustang. Some guy bought it for her.

For the record, since her fiance broke up with her I've only seen her bring two "mens" home, and one of them "had bad fish breath" she told me so they just ended up watching Seinfeld. She's not a hooker. Men just get all stupid around her, sort of how I get stupid around uniformed men.

"Mens," she says, "you cant expect too much from them. They're simple. They think with a penis."

Well, since she seems to be some kind of expert, or possibly extortionist, I briefed her about the investment and the bookstore signing and all of that without really going into details.

She said, "That the cop I told you to stay away from, right?"

I'm like yeah.

"You need to first I think go meet his wife. Then, you sit and let him boil for a few weeks. Then, you take his help but be very careful about him. He might has plans that you do not expect."

I said "Okay, well then what are those plans?"

She said she didn't know. But mens are all alike.

It's September. It's crunch time. I really need to examine this and decide whether or not to take the investment still. The damn neighbor is too cryptic to give a straight answer. God damned Romanains.

As Joey Lawrence Would Say, "Whoa!"

I witnessed...I...I saw...okay...no words. Pictures.

Yes. Exactly. Totally.

Cops? In my bushes? It's more likely than you think. But wait. There's more.

They come rolling by on their Segways, and I'm standing there wearing my leg-a-licious way too short Miss America blue skirt. The tall one, he looks at me, and he smiles. And in all of my intelligence, charm, and wit, I say "Hi," *giggle* "I like your thing."

*Facepalm.*

I am such a sucker for the uniform. Luckily he giggled back. But then I went to hide in my car.

It's like a futuristic surprise attack! Oh and the red thing is the reflection of my knitted lobster that lives on my dashboard.

And then do you know what happened after they let this guy go? THEY WENT INSIDE OF STATER'S ON THE SEGWAYS. I would not lie to you. They went INTO THE STORE on SEGWAYS! I am not entirely sure what they were doing in there, besides knocking over a lot of displays, but wow. I am thoroughly awestruck. And hungry for kielbasa again.

So last night David comes home. I have Corel Paint Shop open. He says "Hi there, what's uh, what's that you've got going on there?"

"Olivia Newton-John. She is my mascot. I have started a club."

"Okaaaaay," he says with raised eyebrows. "Is there dinner?"

"No, because she was wearing all pink and I had to shoop her so that she was wearing the colors of These United States."

So I am inviting people to join my club, "Let's Get Political!" If you have leg warmers wear them. I have already invited a few people and given them the URL to the pic so they can paste it on their sidebars, and feel free to just snatch this one right up. I'll even host it for you.

As you can clearly see, the "Let's Get Political" club is for bloggers who occasionally blog about politics in order to better the world. This means that blogs that are ALWAYS political blogs don't count. We're talking about personal blogs that are sometimes used as a platform to post pictures of Sarah Palin and her four year old next to a dead and bleeding caribou but still talk about knitting crazy hats. We're talking about the lady who photographs her hourly tea but still wants to use her blog to voice her political opinion. We're talking about two "bitches" from a town they call Eastwick who hang out at Beer Festivals and sober up in time to let everyone from Laura Bush to John McCain have it with both barrels.

If you are a blogger who occasionally blogs about politics in order to better the world, this is where you can get your very own Olivia Newton-John for your sidebar.

Let's get political! Political! I wanna get Political! Political!

And one more order of business, at the top of my sidebar you'll notice a nifty little thing. I am asking all of you to leave a voice message for me (via mic or phone, and no, I will not have access to your phone number if you call it) telling me who you are voting for and why. I don't care who your candidate is, just let me know! Share it with everyone. Hell, convince a few people.

You know what, I actually re-watched the McCain speech, and I did see a part that really spoke to me, did you see this?

Oh, and for the record, even though I've already been accused of being a left-wing wacko, I'll have you know that I put my vote in for Ron Paul, and would be voting for him if he were still in the race this November.

In fact, did you catch Ron Paul's press conference? If you didn't, in summary he wants to encourage people to reject both McCain and Obama and vote for a third party. Don't be scared that you're throwing your vote away, just everybody band together and change the system! I do agree with this, as a non-partisan voter I do agree with this. BUT, as much as I respect the Ron Paul for his position, opinion, and work on this particular matter, I wont be voting for the third party. Why? Because as much as I hate to admit this, we all know that it is true. Voting for a third party candidate is essentially throwing your vote away. This could change in time, and I want it to. Maybe Ty will be able to vote for a third part candidate and have it make a difference, but right now we have bigger fish to fry.

We need to pool together and vote for who we think will make the biggest difference for the greater good. If you think that's McCain, then fine, vote for McCain. And if you think it will be Obama, then vote for Obama. What I am saying is there was a big controversy in 2000 when Bush won because of all of the Nader voters who would have and should have otherwise voted Gore.

Yes, this sort of contradicts the fact that I want to see a third party actually get elected at some point, but what I am saying is right now we are at war, we are running out of money, we are pissing everyone off, and yeah, the oil crisis is real, or real enough that we have a potential vice president who was chosen not only for her vagina (that is fact, as there would be no Sarah Palin in this race if there was no Obama) but for her oil rich state.

Because honestly, why else did he choose someone he had only met twice (confirmed) when there were so many other rich white men just standing there twiddling their thumbs?

My point is that right now, in 2008, we have two serious choices, and we need to focus on those, or we will get nowhere. I am all about upsetting the normalcy and all that, but not this time. We need to rock the vote, not fuck it.

Now, as for today's rumor report:

Did Sarah Palin exclaim "So Sambo beat the bitch" when she found out that Obama had beat Hillary? Remains undetermined.

Did Hugh Downs write an editorial about why he thinks Obama will lose? No.

Did Sarah Palin support the "Bridge To Nowhere?" Oh yes, yes she most certainly did.

Is Obama Muslim? No.

Is McCain as verbally abusive and angry as everyone says he is? Why don't you see for yourself.

Oh, and I am sorry for the Rickroll Barackroll, but it's just so god damned funny. Ah, we're all friends here, except for those of us who aren't.

How Does I Make Quilt?

Every year I insist that I wont make a 9/11 post about 9/11. I insist on this because there are only two subjects that I wont touch with a 10 foot pole, and 9/11 is one of them. It's not that I don't care, it's that I feel like there are plenty of people out there who do a really good job of paying tribute to it already. And on the other hand, there are a lot of people who hit and miss and end up dragging it through the mud, as you saw recently in the news.

However, I've decided to pay tribute this year for one reason or another, but I intend to avoid saying something I shouldn't by simply putting together a video containing some of my photography that I feel relates to the subject with some pretty wordless music.

That's all I have to say about that.

So on to crafty things, I finally finished making this purse. I actually knit up all of the pieces a few months ago using some Turkish wool, and I waited around for David to sew it all up because he's normally my sewing guy, only he never did it so I had to do it, and it came out...all right. The sewing is a little wonky in places but it's not as bad now that I've felted it, which also gave it a sturdier structure.

Don't you just love the colorway? I call it "Penny in a Wishing Well" because doesn't it look like a copper penny with that green Statue of Liberty growth on it? That's called patina, by the way, that growth is.

But now I'm going to be stepping out of my element and I am going to try quilting. Seriously? Seriously. This didn't just come out of nowhere, I can clothe a continent but I cant sew a stitch, but how it came about was David's grandmother was getting rid of a bunch of old stuff and I claimed a filing cabinet because the accordion folder that I've been keeping my manuscripts in is ripping apart because its so full. Well along with the cabinet she sent a box of yarn, some scrapbooking stuff (though I haven't scrapped in like three years nor do I intend to pick it up again) and this piece of material.

It's a tree, as you can see, a family tree. And off to the side are these little oval frames that you're supposed to hang from the tree, and inside the frames you're supposed to put peoples. Not just any peoples, but your family.

It seems like a cool project that I can botch with my sister since she has the sewing machine and the slight knowledge of how to sew things into things. And doing David's half of the tree would be pretty simple since most of his ancestors are still living and even still, he can get pictures and names and such very easily because those people are all aware of each other.

My side? Wont be so easy.

I know my brothers and sisters, but I only talk to like three of the six, and I have one that I have never met. My parents are dead. My grandparents are dead. There are no pictures of these people. There are legends, oh but there are legends, like Great Grandpa Jesse who rode on his bike to Oak Glen, California from Vermont to get a job working in the apple orchards (true story.) Or Old Man Bob, my grandpa, who invented the paddle tire (true story) and the fleshing machine (true story.) I'll get into those legends in an upcoming book that I haven't written yet. But pictures of these people are either impossible to get to or very hard to come by.

What, you just want me to walk in to the family business and say "Hi, I'm Jessie, Dick Stuart's daughter, you know, your dead brother...I'm your niece. So anyway, I know you sort of ignored me and let me go into foster care after my dad died so you could have time to count all your monies and everything, but I was wondering if you have any pictures you could spare of a few of our relatives, would that be cool?"

They wouldn't even give me a t-shirt in the Christmas Parade from their float. What makes you think they'll even let me in the building?

And as for my mom's side, here's the thing about that, she was a black market baby. My mother in law doesn't seem to understand this, she keeps suggesting that I go to a genealogy site, but that would be impossible. Let me put this as simple as possible.

Baby is born to poor family. Baby is handed over to supposedly rich family. There is no paper trail. The people who "adopted" her beat her and then died, and she doesn't have a birth certificate. Well she does, but not with the correct information on it. I dont even know her real name, or the first names of the people she was given to.

Yes. Take that to a genealogy site and ask for help. Do it. I'm serious, do it for me, and if you make any progress, give me a ring.

Anyway it's too much hassle to make over a stupid quilt to try to track down people I've never herd of, they might be related to me but they're not my family, so I was thinking of some other options.

Option #1: We do his parents and grandparents and maybe his brothers...oh wait, they're all crazy...well anyway, we do his one semi-not-crazy brother...okay, so what I mean is that I just do the one picture that I have of my dad (as I dont want my mom on the quilt,) my brothers and sisters that are non-crazy/aware that I am alive, and just sort of focus the quilt on people in "our family," meaning people we know and would recognize on the street or let into our homes.

God this makes us look dysfunctional.

And option #2: Screw pictures, let's just embroider the names of people. I know my grandparent's names on my dad's side because I have his death certificate. I will try to figure out if Jesse and Pearl were Stuarts or Stouts (I know that much, my grandmother was Jean Stout) and put their names on the great branch.

Fuck. This tree will be so fucked up.

Maybe I'll just make it for someone else. God damn. It's hurting my brain.

What do I do internets? How does I make quilt?

Fahrenheit 451

What does it say at the top of my blog in my header?

My war paint is Sharpie ink because I am proud of who I am and what I stand for and it doesnt wash down the drain so easily. I'll show you how much my shit stinks because I'm not going to pretend to be something I am not, because again, Im proud of what I am and what I think. I'm not perfect, I still have a lot to learn, and I'm good with that. I'll ask you what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful because they are, and I want to hear them! Even if they disagree with my words, they're still powerful.

Essentially, we may disagree, but at least I take a stance, and I research that stance before I grab hold of it so firmly.

But sometimes misinformation gets around (OMG something was wrong on the interbutts?) and I take it upon myself to educate a few people because if there's one thing I can do, it is word it in a way so that everyone can at least understand it, even if they dont agree with it, they can atleast comprehend it (or so I hope.)

I am all about correcting wrong information in the name of being fair. Like the McCain calling his cunt a wife wife a cunt thing, I was challenged on it and the next day I came back with more information on it, suggesting that it was heresy. And did you know that the thug who approached us yesterday is NOT the desk lady's son? I was given wrong information, it seems, by the same neighbor who I apparently photographed adding soap to the spa (the one that works with David.) When I made the complaint this morning, it turns out that the kid is not her son, and this is a good thing because it not only means that he's not going to get away with it, but that it's actually going to lead to his eviction if I am lucky. I have evicted people before, it took years, but I finally got rid of the lady who let her kids shoot at my son's window, throw rocks, light fires, and so on. I expect that Thugs McBrute-Force will be asked to leave as well.

Is there a problem with him standing on the corner? Uh, yeah, apparently there is.

And yeah, I called MY thug to go out-thug him with his gun and taser and Segway. STORM THE FRONT!

Now as for this rumor that needs to be cleared up, many of you may have seen a list of books that Sarah Palin supposedly wanted banned from the Wasilla Library, which included all of the Harry Potter books, some Shakespeare, classics such as The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men, and even a few comical ones like a book of memoirs "by a woman of pleasure" and a woman's health book called "Our Bodies, Ourselves." Even The New Teenage Body Book was on the list. Irony of course would be if the list had contained Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, one of my favorite books, which is of course the novel about firemen who are paid to burn books.

But people, the list isn't real.

As much as I'm sure many people would like to and already are going apeshit over Sarah Palin's alleged attempt at banning James and the Giant Peach, I have to stop this one in its tracks. But you know how behind every myth is a bit of truth, so let's examine what DID happen.

In 1996 the city librarian Mary Ellen Emmons told the local newspaper that Palin asked her three times, starting before she was sworn in, about possibly removing objectionable books from the library if the need arose.

To quote a housewife who was at a city council meeting where this questioning occurred, Anne Kilkenny, "Sarah Said to Mary Ellen 'What would your response be if I asked you to remove some books from the collection?' I was shocked. Mary Ellen sat up and said something along the line of 'The books in the Wasilla Library Collection were selected on the basis of the national selection criteria for libraries of this size, and I would absolutely resist all efforts to ban books."

So the part about her wanting books banned in general, even as a hypothetical, is true. The specific books in question, however, are known only to Palin herself, as they were never mentioned or listed publicly. Furthermore, according to the library records no books were ever banned in the history of the library's existence before or after Palin, which for anti-Palin pals is good, and for pro-Palin pals is a sign of weakness and failure. How dern she not get those dirty nasty books banned!!!!!11!!11!!!1!1!1!1!

One clue that this list in particular is fake is the fact that many of the entries on the list, including the Harry Potter books, weren't even published before 1996. The list actually derives from a list that has been circulating your inboxes (but not mine because I permaban and yell at anyone who forwards me crap and lies) since 1998, and it has simply been called "Books that were banned in the US at some time or another."

So Sarah Palin's name being attached to the list is inaccurate. But the idea that she would ban books at all is bothersome to me at least as an avid reader and author. Even as a hypothetical, I'm with Mary Ellen on this one. I would absolutely resist all efforts to ban books. Because after all, if you don't like it, don't read it! And if you don't like it, don't vote for it! Simplicity!

We're all friends here, except for those of us who aren't.

We all have our reasons for disliking books. Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty series was terrible because the story was poorly constructed, there were too many bloody errors in it which made the reading distracting, and overall Anne Rice is a pretentious bitch. I tried to read the New Testament once, and I was perplexed over Jesus destroying a fig tree because it was out of season and not bearing any fruit, so I stopped reading it. To me, fear isn't love, I just didn't relate. I love trees. And I love figs. I especially love trees that, yeah, produce figs.

But I would never try to ban the books, because there are fanboys out there who like them, and hey, more power to them. At least they're reading something.

Perhaps Sarah Palin wouldn't relate to the things that I write. But the Bad Jessie in me sort of wants her to not relate to the things that I write because I'd like for someone to try to ban my books. I want a politician to mess with me. Not that I want to be censored, but I would like for someone to just get so horribly upset that they would want to ban my book. Protest it even. Start a whole website that gives out little sidebar buttons that declare a blogger as against books by Jessie Terwilliger.

Hey, did the people who wanted to ban Harry Potter get anywhere? No, but it certainly made for some publicity for the books, did it not?

As for the books I am reading right now, I am working on a book about women in our prison systems called Women In Prison as it is a part of my research for the second book in the Green series that I am picking at. Ty and I are also reading James and the Giant Peach. I have added a number of Roald Dahl books to my next Amazon order including The BFG and Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. I also ordered the Wayside School series.

Books are wonderful. Try actually reading one some time.

And since we're all here, I'd like to direct your attention to the sidebar where you will find my "save the drama for Obama" hats for sale. Remember not to wear them when you actually go to your polling place to vote as that is called electioneering and it is illegal to do that within 50 feet of any polling place. I worked at a polling place once, I know the rules. I had to tear down a number of signs from people's yards and stop old ladies from wearing their Vote (y or n) on Prop. (#) from walking into the garage I was in on that early March day. The government paid me $80 to ask people to state their name and address out loud from 6:00 in the morning till 8:00 at night.

Wait, that wasn't even minimum wage! Not even for 2002! Fuck I got ripped.

I Do Not Take Threats Lightly

This, and the following photos on this post, are my contribution to the "abstract" challenge from the Photo Challenge blog. Click that link to see some more abstract photography, which focuses more on shape and color than subject and the traditional rules of photo taking.

But I am fired up right now and I cant sit here and stretch a whole entry into talking about abstract art, though I could and would, but something just happened that got me all pissed that I must tell you about.

We were coming home from David's parent's house, and as we were pulling into our driveway (well, the apartment complex driveway, whatev.) the landlord's son and four other 15-17 year old males were standing on the corner.

Now, this is the same group of "kids" (aka small gang) that last week started hanging around right outside the laundry room watching me. This happened only the one time, and I was of course alone, and I haven't done laundry since. I might be suspicious of teenagers, but that's because I have reason to, and what happens today just proves it.

Now the landlord's son, well, actually she's not even the landlord, she's just the desk lady, he's a big kid. About 6'0, 300+ pounds of football player muscle, and he stands around loitering with his friends in his gold chains, backwards baseball cap, and jeans around his thighs, know what I mean?

Anyway, so we pull in, and I looked at the group, because I look at people. A lot. And even still, they were right on the corner not more than four feet from our car as we drove in. I guess I did something wrong by glancing at them as we passed? Because next thing I know, we park, and the big kid waddles over to us. His cronies stay way back, like at least a whole building over, and he comes up all badass and says "Is there some kind of problem with us standing on the corner?"

Okay, I don't know about you, but I see this as a threat. Big guy, approaches my family, making a big deal out of nothing, asking if there's a problem? THREAT.

I yell "Stay away from my family!" as loud as I can. I took that women's self defense class in high school where they graded us on how loud our NO was, I know that yelling things commands power.

"Well you drove in here, and you and him both looked at us and-"

"I SAID STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN, OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE."

He yells back to his friends "Oh look at that, she's calling the police."

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US, I'M SERIOUS," I continue as I flip through my contacts looking for BPD.

"Dude," he says to his friends again, "Go get my mom."

"I'M TELLING YOU TO GET THE FUCKING FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY I AM CALLING THE POLICE!"

"Yeah well my uncle's a lawyer, and I wasn't coming over here to talk to you," he says and turns to David.

"No, you came over here to approach my family without any sort of provocation, and I don't give a fuck who you are here to talk to, I am telling you to get the fuck away from us now!"

Then my phone tells me it cant get a signal. I've NEVER not been able to get a signal on my phone.

David says, "I don't know what you're talking about dude, there's no problem."

"I AM TELLING YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY THIS INSTANT," I yell one last time, and eventually he throws up his hands and walks into one of our neighbor's apartments (it's one of those free for all everyone but me hangs out there kind of places.) We walk back to our house unscathed, but of course I am still worried about how this is going to effect me and my living situation.

I am not worried about him getting me evicted or something, because it's obviously illegal and considering I've been here nearly four years without even a single write up or late payment. But I am worried that him and his little gang members might try to do some shit. Why he came up to our car, I don't know, but it was inappropriate.

Regardless of whether we somehow offended him, looked at him funny or drove a red (rival gang color?) car, it is highly inappropriate to approach someone in a threatening manner to ask "Is there a problem with us standing on the corner?" I think the kid realizes this, which is why he eventually slunk away when he saw that I was not backing down, but his mother should know about it. I intend to call the office in the morning to complain about it, because bitch needs to supervise her fucking menacing gang member fuckwit kid.

Canigetta Amen?

The Cow Has Been Milked

So I get this email yesterday evening. In my Gmail preview box I see that it's from someone named Stephanie. Now, I thought that it was this Stephanie girl who used to blog that I was friends with at least 100 internets ago on MSN Spaces, because I came across her Myspace yesterday while sifting through various sites, and I thought she had some kind of tracker on her page and was emailing me to let me know that she was on to me. Wouldn't have surprised me, considering she was highly offended when I said that her children were "light skinned" because she found that racist.

Anyhoo, it wasn't that Stephanie, but another one. And wow, I was surprised to see all of those hyphenated last names pop up in my inbox. Now, I haven't spoken to this girl in a few years. We had a falling out after graduation, then a reconciliation, then a falling out, and then she tried to reconcile but I talked to a few people and found out that she was doing drugs and drinking and I don't like those kind of people around me. So I just told her, "hey, honestly, I don't really want your friendship right now, I don't like the things you're into, just no." And after my ex best friend Sara and I stopped talking over that unforgivable thing that she did to me (that Stephanie helped with,) I haven't really worried about the situation. Because you know? I've learned something. It's hard to be friends with people from high school. Sure, I'll talk to them, confirm my identity when one of them spots me at the store instead of running toward the laundry soap aisle to hide, but people change so much. And really, when you think about it, what did you really have in common with your high school friends besides a few classes and a few snarky inside jokes?

You look at them now, and they've become much like the people you thought they would become. The computer geek who never got a date that I hung around drives a UPS truck. The girl who skipped school a lot just lives off of her parents. The crazy beyotch who loved reading books about Hitler and bought old military uniforms on Ebay is in the Air Force now. The soft spoken and quiet boy is now a very friendly and fair police officer. The girl with the bright highlighter yellow hair with a Pokemon backpack and the tendency to fabricate stories about her past so she didn't have to admit to the embarrassing truth that she was abandoned by her mother, tossed from home to home as a teen, and not really wanted by anyone is now a fiction novelist. Go figure, that last girl is me. And the Air Force girl is her.

In my life right now, I've tried to keep things simple. I have very few friends, but they'd do such things as cook delicious meals from their native land to share with me and ask if I need anything from the store while they're out. They do things like hand me $1,000 cash and tell me that it's an investment in my talent as a writer. They do things like leave genuine messages and comments on my daily journal letting me know they read, they know what I'm going through, wish me well, laugh at my funny stuff, and cry at the sad stuff.

And of course, I have David, who hands down is pretty indescribable both as a husband and as a person. We have a strong marriage and two kids who are healthy, smart, and taken care of.

So what could this girl possibly have to say to me two years after I told her that I wasn't interested in being friends? Remember that she was not provoked in any way, as I haven't talked to her or done any harm to her, or even talked about her to anyone in years.

Well, Jessie. Look at you. I finally found Sara and we talked for a long while on the phone last night. Here is what I find funny-how absolutely psychotic you are. She didn't want to be your friend anymore, and instead of having a blow out fight with you, she just stops talking to you. So what is it you do? Act like a little bitch. How pathetic are you, Jessie? Seriously. Can you be anymore immature? Not to mention stalking her, like some crazed maniac, sending her constant emails, and harassing phone calls. I guess you really are just that stupid. Here I was, thinking maybe I could try to be nice to you, that maybe, just maybe, you had grown up enough that we could have a decent conversation. I guess not. So, I leave you with this-you're a sick, demented, twisted moron. I hope you rot in hell you pathetic pedophile.

I lol'd. Being called psychotic by a girl who still believes to this day that Manfred Von Richthofen (The Red Baron) speaks to her in her mind, and being called a pedo by the girl who made out with David and tried to stick her hand down his pants on the band bus BEFORE I ever even dated him, that just makes me sincerely LOL. I wrote back,

Stephanie,
With regard to the situation with Sara, this happened in 2006. I haven't given it much thought since then, but it's great to know that you have.
Anyway, I recall telling you around that same year that I was no longer interested in your friendship, so your email comes as a complete surprise to me. I hope you are well, and thank you for your service to the country.
Best regards,
Jessie Terwilliger

And she responded, with great butthurt that I wasn't going to play along,

Sense a little sarcasm there, Jessie. See, I know how you lie, and I know that you're only trying to make yourself look better. Also, don't think for one second that I've been dwelling on this for two years and used that time to think up something good enough to say to you, you're not that good. Infact, I haven't talked to you since before 2006. Quit trying to make yourself feel high and mighty, because you're not.

If I'm not that good, then why send an email at all? So I just wrote:

Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks Stephanie.
Best regards,
Jessie Terwilliger

Just when I was thinking the other day that I haven't had a single troll on my blog comments section in at least a year. Just when I was getting bored on the internet because the drama was happening to everyone but me, Stephanie emailed me and despite her moos of protest, the lulzcow has been milked of her lulz.

I didn't receive any other emails from her. Should I expect to hear from Sara now? That would be something.

I love being dubious in my responses these days. When another blogger sent a long winded and whiny email to me a while back explaining how wrong I did her and everything, I simply replied with a smiley face. :) When my brother from Kansas was here and he said "I said a lot of really mean things to you about David a few years ago because, you know, I was just worried about what's best for my little sister," I replied "I know what's best for me," and he shut up. When my mother in law says "YOU'RE BAD!" multiple times after I say something a little on the wry, I used to ignore it, but last time I said "Not as bad as I used to be." I could have taken that so many places, but I think it speaks for its self.

Anyway, after all this happened I looked up the Wikihow on "How To Respond To Rude People," and I guess I hit this nail on the head.

1. Remain polite. No matter how difficult or nasty the rude person is, respond politely and maintain your dignity.
2. Use manners to overwhelm their rudeness. Ask them this simple question: "Am I offending you somehow? If so, I am really sorry, no offense meant." Most people will be taken aback by this approach and will quickly backtrack to reassure you that you have not offended them.
3. Agree with their rant. Agree that you are stupid for putting them out at that moment in time, agree that you got it wrong, agree that you could have dressed more appropriately or have been on time. This puts a stop to their rudeness in its tracks. It is hard to keep being rude with someone who agrees with the point of the rudeness.
4. Avoid responding at all. This way you remove the spark that fuels their fire. Just nod and walk off normally. Don't sneer, don't roll your eyes, just be pleasant in your demeanor as your saunter away from them.
5. Understand where they are coming from. Much rudeness is a sign of insecurity, anger and jealousy. Accept that these rude people have more than average doses of these issues and are trying to take it out on you. It is not smart, nor is it witty; it is rudeness and a guise for not being able to be polite to people.

Don't take to heart the person who keeps on being rude despite your politeness and assertive stance. This type of person will never accept the error of their ways and will always go off on a rant rather than being compassionate in their interactions with others. Give them wide berth and realize that they use their rudeness as a self-defense against a world of people who raise fear or irritation in them and let them find out their own consequences of behaving so condescendingly.

Maybe sharing it with my blog isn't the most mature thing to do, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity for such lulz. You know how much I love the lulz.

And I love how I am the accused psychotic stalker here, but who was the one who went out of their way to find my new email address on the internet to fire off a letter about something that happened two years ago? This was sent to my Gmail address, the one that I've only had for a few months, not the Yahoo address that she and Sara used to have. Someone did their homework.

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic, yeah I really do think.

Double Feature

So it looks like the Yes, Do Want's have it, but people I have nothing but respect for your Do Not Want's and that is why I am running a double feature today on my blog. The first half of this entry will be for the Do Not Want's, and the second half will be my notes on the Obama/Biden speeches. If you are only interested in the regular blah-blah-blogging, only read the top, and if you want to read the notes, scroll down on this post, and if you're down with whatever I flog the blog with, read the whole thing! This might happen a few times throughout the next few months as I have become deeply obsessed involved in this campaign. Jessie likes the politics? Who knew! And I do like to blog about my interests and what is going on, so I will most likely mention what is going on with the election because it is holding my interest.

I have to take into consideration the fact that I am getting comments and emails and I am getting mentioned on other blogs for my "keeping it real" stance and opinions on both sides of the ticket, and there are people who are excited that I have become a "political blogger." I haven't really, because I will still tell you about pooping and hot cops on Segways and things that happen to me at the store, but I am talking about these issues and people are actually listening to me and that is all I can really ask for.

In particular, Connie emailed me and told me that she was going to go register to vote for Obama. Was it because of what I said? What she read somewhere else? Either way, she emailed me to tell me that she's registering to vote. The fact that anyone is telling me that, the fact that even just one person found reason enough to go put in her two cents into this election, that makes me smile just a little bit.

But that's not my blah-blah-blog for today. My blah-blah-blog is about my sister and I taking Ty and Wade to Home Depot this morning for their Kid's Club. I don't know if you are aware of this, because I wasn't, but Home Depot has a FREE kids project every first Saturday of the month. They give you a kid sized orange Home Depot apron, and a kit to build the project. Today we made goal posts for paper football. You remember paper football, where you fold a piece of paper into a triangle and your friend tries to flick it between the goal post (or your fingers shaped like a goal post.) We built one out of wood.

It was really cool, as they give you the tools, like a hammer and a screwdriver and glue, and they give you a kit with all of the pre cut wood. It comes with the instructions, and you just go to your table and put it together. When you are finished, you earn a pin commemorating the project to put on your apron and a certificate as well! Some kids there had like 10-20 pins on their aprons. It's not bad for free, in fact it's really cool. Next month the project is a fire truck whistle. It's for ages 5+, obviously an adult needs to be there to help start the nails and everything, but Ty really liked being a real builder, and he doesn't want any help next time.

We also went to Lakeshore Learning Store for their free kids craft, which was a picture frame...which was just paper that the kids bingo dobbered all over and glued macaroni to, but whatever, it's free. Lakeshore does their free kids craft every Saturday. Michael's also has them, but they are not free and the times conflict with Home Depot's thing, and we really REALLY wanted to make that goal post. So cool, we did that.

And now here is the part where I get into the politics.

So since you've read my take on the Palin and McCain speeches, it is now time for the Obama and Biden speeches. Yesterday I posted a really neat picture that I found of John McCain, one that really caught my eye at least. I asked David to look at that picture and tell me what he saw. He said he saw a very troubled man. Overall his speech was a snoozer, fairly meh, but I did like the fact that his war story focused on his time of weakness and defeat instead of his badassery and victory, I do admit that. Now Liz in Seattle asked me for proof of the "cunt" comment, and as I did some research on it apparently the incident happened in 1992, so the chances of it making its way to the Tubes is probably slim, but there are many funny parodies of it. The comment was made after Cindy had run her fingers through his hair and said "you're getting a little thin up there." Is it possible to prove it? I cant, I don't have the resources. However, other commenters were talking about OTHER incidents in which he spoke inappropriately of and to his wife in public. He also made very rude comments about Chelsea Clinton, including saying that Janet Reno is her real father and that she is ugly. Also, his high school nickname was Mr. McNasty for his hothead temper.

What you might also find kind of interesting was McCain's myspace incident, and I share this because of the fact that if you are reading this right now it means that the internet is important to you in some way or another, and honestly, can we trust a guy who doesn't understand about our intarwebs what with Net Neutrality becoming a hot topic? Really? Now this is from the Encyclopedia Dramatica so it's a little lulzy but it is indeed about a real incident (in fact it was probably perpetrated by an EDiot from the looks of it) but read this...

Not content with being pwnt by Vietnam, for his next trick, McCain decided to become the lolcow of Myspace. Having mistaken the internets for a big truck, McCain had his minions set up an account on MySpace to reach out to all those edgy and hip youngsters. But the internets are not a big truck, but rather a series of tubes running freely with powerful lol. Unbeknownst to team McCain, one of those tubes connected a graphic on his Myspace page to an image on a server belonging to someone else. Using a tried and true bait-and-switch tactic, McCain admitted his love for lesbians, was pwned once again, and had to go join John Edwards in the hugbox. He can't operate a computer, but wants to operate the United States of Amurrica?

And the graphic in question...

Right. So onto the notes on Barack Obama's speech.

• Thanks and acknowledges Hillary Clinton right off the bat, calls her an inspiration to his daughters and yours. Loves his wife Michelle (who is actually quite striking by the way) loves his daughters and is so proud of them
• Talks a lot about us and our money struggles, and the failure of the government to respond is directly the fault of the failed policy of George W Bush.
• Talks more about personal stories of people in America who are struggling, people whose jobs are being outsourced, general jobs and economy both suck right now sort of talk.
• We should have a government that doesn't sit on its hands while a city drowns before our eyes.
• ENOUGH! ENOUGH!
• Thank you John McCain for fighting for our country, but you're just like Bush because you have voted with him 90% of the time.
• McCain thinks we are in a "mental recession" and we are a nation of whiners.
• Traditional republicans giving breaks to big business, little guys are fucked sort of talk, but he colors it with neat quotes like "They tell us to pull yourself up by your boot straps, even if you don't have boots." Interesting, not plain and recycled arguments about the same thing we always hear
• So far he is talking a whole lot about us, not about himself, just about us and how he understands where we are all coming from and understands our suffering. Mentions his mother who was on food stamps once but sent her kids to fine schools by use of scholarships and grants. Also mentions grandma who worked her ass off for him while he was growing up, and he is grateful and his mom and grandma are his heroes.
• Tax breaks for companies who create more American jobs, wants to help small businesses and will cut taxes for the working class (OMG is this man a democrat???)
• 10 years from now his goal is to be off Middle Eastern oil (not oil completely, just from over there)
• 150 billion dollars over the next 10 years for renewable energy (which will create jobs that cannot be outsourced)
• Will not settle for an America where some kids don't have the chance to go to school, will invest in early childhood education, wants to hire more teachers and pay them well and will also up the standards. Promises affordable education.
• We will be able to get the same kind of health coverage that congress gets
• Equal pay for women
• Government programs don't work alone, government cant turn off the tv and make a child do her homework, fathers need to be more responsible
• John McCain, put up yer dukes.
• We need to take out Bin Laden, not be fucking around with the Iraq, also Iraq will pay for all of this money we've spent on them
• Will only send troops out with a clear mission, will end the war responsibly, and go back to defeating the terrorists.
• Tells McCain to play nice and stop calling him unpatriotic, "I love this country and so do you, and so does John McCain, and the troops are democrats and republicans but they have fought together, died together under the same proud flag. They have not served a red or blue America, but the United States of America." That is a rich quote that will go down in history. "We all put our country first."
• Abortion? We can at least reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies. Gun policy? We can uphold the second amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. Gays? They should at least be able to visit their loved ones in the hospital and not be discriminated against. Immigration? A mother should not be separated from her infant, and employers shouldn't hire illegals because Americans need those jobs.
• This election is not about him, it's about us. His speech reinforces this.
• Change doesn't come from Washington, it comes TO Washington (I'm in ur Washington, changing ur politics)
• We have more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich, our military doesn't make us strong, it's us. We totally rock, America!
• This is his closer, which I found to be very strong. He mentions a young preacher from Georgia 45 years ago spoke of his dream (does not mention his name but we all know who he means.) "We cannot walk alone," the preacher cried. "We cannot turn back." We cannot walk alone. At this moment, we must pledge once more to march into the future, keep the American promise. In the words of scripture "Hold firmly without wavering to the hope that we confess."

Okay, so Obama had more to say about us than he did about him. His speaking voice is very strong, very moving. It wasn't so much about politics as it was, like I said, about our problems and how he intends to fix them. This was not a boring speech by any means, and I think that just about everyone in the working class can relate to what he said. Best of all, he's not an asshole. He really seems like a guy you could talk to. He may be a bit aloof, yes, but he wasn't always. You sort of see why the republicans had to use such fightin' woids to counter, because this speech was very peaceful and about getting the job done.

And now for Joe Biden. Joe seems like a not very smart man, but a sincere and soft spoken man. Like your favorite grandpa. Or the older gentleman who hits on you in a bar and totally becomes your sugar daddy. But that's how he looks, not how he comes off. This is what I took note of in his speech...

• "I am a hell of a success." Proud of his family, father, daughters, and wife leaves him "breathless and speechless."
• Says he loves his mom, camera shows her, she's about to burst into tears.
• As a child he stuttered and mom said "it's because you're so smart you cant get the words out quick enough," when not dressed as well as the other kids she said he's so very handsome, and when some older kids picked on him she told him to "bloody their noses" so he could walk down the street the next day, and he did.
• Rides the train home every night.
• This part really struck me, "When I ride the train every night, I can imagine the conversations at the dinner tables. 'Should mom move in with us now that dad's gone?' '$70 just to fill the tank.' 'How on earth are we going to heat our home this winter?' 'Another year with no raise.' 'Did you hear that they're cutting our health care at the company?' 'We owe more money on our home than it is worth.' 'How in god's name are we going to send the kids to college.' 'How are we going to retire?'" He gives no answers to these problems, but if you don't relate to at least two of these situations or have related to them in the past, then you must be very very well off and I have to think that maybe you read my little blog here to see how "the other side" lives, which is insulting but whatever.
• Slips up and calls John "George" but it was funny.
• The measure of a man is not the road he travels, but the choices he makes on that road.
• Work is more than a paycheck, it's dignity, it's respect, it's looking your child in the eye and saying "we're going to be all right."
• Watched Barack touch people. (!!!)
• Did he just say "situration?"
• Republicans/John McCain sucks regarding taxes
• Talks about Obama's agenda. He calls police "cops," interesting no?
• Regarding Afghanistan: John was wrong, Barack was right.
• He is here for the children, the cops, fire fighters, teachers, for everyone.
• Speech ends abruptly? WTF?

Ok so Biden, his speech was not as good as McCain's, just as boring, but not as terrible as his direct opponent Sarah Palin. Clearly, of the four speeches, Obama's was the very best.

Oh wait, it's not over! There is a surprise guest, and it's OBAMA HIMSELF! Ok so that's cool. I was hoping it would be one of his dead relatives that he mentioned earlier saying "I'm not really dead" but it's just Barack. And that's cool.

Anyway, the speech was short, not great, but there was the part in his speech where he mentioned the dinner table conversations and that moved me. It seemed to move the crowd as well because an odd hush fell over the stadium as he spoke. The important thing is that I don't hate him, he seems genuine, so here's the thing. I want to stay neutral for YOU guys for the sake of discussing the politics on my blog, because I am neutral as a non-partisan voter. But I do have to vote for someone, and as I said in my last video I wont put a bumper sticker on my car but I will support my candidate in self-knit hat form.

And Now For John McCain

Did you know that a Google search for Obama + Antichrist comes back with over 900,000 results?

Well, 900,001 results now that I too have mentioned it, though I don't think he or anyone is the Antichrist.

This is great, people, it's beautiful. Hundreds of thousands of people on the internets sharing our Do Not Wants and it is getting media attention. How many times have you heard "well the blogs are saying" or "according to the blogosphere" lately in the news? I tell you, I hear it a lot.

Yesterday I blogged about the position that pregnant Bristol Palin is in now that her mother has chosen such a great time to shine the country's spotlight on their family, and I talked about Sarah's somewhat hostile and snark filled speech that was so bad that I am embarrassed for her. Seriously, this is the first time a republican woman has stood in the place that she was and she's going to let "The only difference between hockey moms and pit bulls is lipstick" be written into the history books. Sorry, go back to the PTA and your yuppy soccer hockey mom Starbucks meetings if you're going to talk that way, that is not how you address the nation.

Oh, and as a side note, the code to her interesting choice of names for her children has been shattered (like the glass ceiling that Hillary Clinton put 18 million cracks in.) Sarah's parents were both coaches and the father was in track in high school, so they named their son Track. Fantastic. David and I were in band but we didn't name our kid Band, or Tuba or something. Anyway, Bristol is named after Bristol Bay where Todd grew up, Willow is a community in Alaska, Piper is "just a cool name that you don't hear too often" and Trig is Nordic for "strength."

Ooooh I see. I thought maybe Trig was short for 11th grade math, seems how they named their other kid TRACK! Come here Physical Education! Gym, get over here! God damnit Football I thought I told you to leave your sister Computer Science III alone!

Anyway, I watched John McCain's speech, and I did take notes on it. Now, I want to know something, so I am putting a poll in the sidebar. Do you want me to post my notes from the Obama and Biden speeches since I've done McCain and Palin's? Or are you not interested? I wont do it if you're not interested because I've already watched both of their speeches twice (once alone, once with David) and I do not want to bore my readers with all of this political talk. So please tell me if you want my notes on the other speeches. Now, we all know that McCain wont be reading my blog, because he admitted recently that his wife Cindy does his internets for him. Regardless, I present to you...

Notes from John McCain's speech:

• Were people in the audience chanting "god you're gay" when he first came out?
• As people continue to interrupt his speech, you can tell he wants to yell SHUT THE FUCK UP!
• "Grateful to the president for leading us in these dark days" (more like leading us into these dark days, amiright?)
• Has seven children, is so happy, Cindy is his inspiration
• Intends to earn my trust
• Is the audience now chanting "birth again?"
• Don't be diverted by "brown noise ah ha ha ha ha ha." Racist? Everywhere else in the world the term is known as "white noise." Why would McCain protesters/Obama supporters be considered "brown noise?"
• Sarah Palin worries about mortgage payments and groceries and doesn't let anyone tell her to sit down (doesn't afraid of anything)
• Are you me-first-country-second? CHANGE IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Fought for more troops in Iraq "when it wasn't the popular thing to do."
• Rather lose an election than see the country lose a war
• Wears the bracelet of a fallen soldier and thinks about him every single day
• We are all god's children, including Latinas
• Will cut taxes and keep them low, Obama will raise them (republican/democrat thing, not a totally original argument)
• Government run health care is bad, fending for yourself you poor bastards is good!!!
• Will find jobs for people, he swears it
• DRILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
• Iran is the state sponsor of terrorism
• Send halp to Georgia
• Says "Vietnam" like "Vetnem." Am I saying it wrong? I say Vee-et-NAM or NOM as in OM NOM NOM. Who is right?
• Has the record and scars to prove what he's saying, OBAMA DOES NOT
• Does not care who gets credit
• Crashed his plane. Then got kidnapped. This makes him a hero.
• Was given the opportunity to go home but declined it because "other American prisoners had it worse than him."
• Will fight for the country for as long as he draws breath (which may not be much longer) so help him god.
• Stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up stand up sit down FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Honestly, his speech didn't move me. It was a good speech, it wasn't as arrogant as Sarah Palin's, but his closer was essentially the equivalent to yelling "Yucaipa football rules!" to get applause. The closing to Obama's speech had more of a history making shaking spine tingling effect to it, furthermore, I don't feel like this man is my "friend." Obama doesn't seem like my friend either, but he seems like he gets me a little better. McCain seems like he might be my friend if I had more money.

Also, I just want to add before closing that McCain once called his wife a cunt in front of a lot of people. David has never called me a cunt. I don't think I can relate to a man who calls his wife a cunt.

Be sure to vote (both in the election and in the sidebar.)

In Defense Of Bristol Palin

I am have fallen back into my old habits. The habits that were one of the reasons that I got rid of my TV. I have, once again, become a news junky. And sick as it sounds, I've been going through the News and Politics category on Youtube clicking on anything related to the election. I guess you could say that if anything I will be a very well informed voter this year, because I am literally watching it all. This is something that I believe is new to this election, as the last ones didn't have the Youtube videos. Think about it, if you missed the speech on TV all you can see after that is short clips of it sometimes out of context on the evening news, or read the papers about what was said. Basically, if you have high speed internet access, you have no excuse not to be watching this stuff, you really ought to learn a thing or two instead of just voting according to the pamphlets your church hands out.

Now, as for what I have been watching, let me just say that I am fascinated by Sarah Palin. Her nomination as VP for the republican party is historic, and she just has this sort of magnetism about her that makes me want to learn just who the hell she is and why she is here. I've been pouring over the Youtube videos of news reporters that discuss her, sometimes to a lulzy extent, and now I have watched her approx. 40 minute speech at the RNC. Here are some notes I took.

• The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is lipstick
• Babies with unfortunate names: five
• JOHN MCCAIN IS A WAR HERO!
• Sold a jet on Ebay. (What she didn't mention is that tax payers still had to pay the sellers fees)
• Bridge to nowhere? She was only against it after she got the federal money to pay for it. Oh but she didn't say that in her speech.
• Stop using their oil, just use hers. Drill her! Drill her now!
• MCCAIN = WAR HERO!
• Nuclear plants and alterative sources (note that nuclear is indeed pronounced correctly)
• We need American sources of resources (according to the department of redundancy department)
• Obama's non use of the word "victory" makes her bitchy, also the use of Styrofoam Greek columns from Hollywood backlots.
• Against "healing the planet and turning back the waters"
• Outright lies
• Rips into Obama more than she talks about herself, and the things she hits him on are about his traditional party tactics and not him
• Abortion is murder, but war is not
• HES A WAR HERO! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Well fuck, Kerry fought for us too but we still elected GWB a second time)
• Defeat means death.
• Obama claims to be fighting for us, but McCain is the only one who has actually fought for us because MCCAIN IS A WAR HEROOOOOOOOOOO!
• She closed the speech by saying "Help America elect a great man as the next president"...but she doesn't give a name. We vote for Obama now? Also Robin Williams is a great man. I will elect a great man.

Overall she spent most of the speech talking about McCain, a little about her personal life, a little about her short political career. Also she lashed out at Obama a lot more than Obama ever lashed out at anyone, not even GWB in his speech. Obama's speech seemed to have more meat to it where as her speech sandwich was mostly just bread, mustard, and OBAMA SUCKS! VOTE MCCAIN THE WAR HERO! If anything she's a fighter, she's like that mean girl on the playground that makes fun of you because you ride the bus and her mom drives her to school in a Lexus.

This woman, though I would never vote for her (if I were to ever of voted republican it would have been for Ron Paul) I still think she's interesting. Like how Chernobyl is interesting and how those shows on Animal Planet where things get eaten by bigger things is interesting. But the biggest issue that has come fourth with Sarah Palin has not necessarily been her lack of experience, her hotness, or her controversial views, it's her pregnant daughter.

Now I know that Obama and everyone else is saying that Bristol Palin is off limits, but let me say something here from experience. David, if you haven't figured out already, was 15 when Ty was born. He was 17 when Wade was born. You could make the "David argument," which of course states that not every teenage parent skips off and schlubs their responsibilities, and it is possible for someone very young to raise a child and support a family. The proof is in my archives if you need it. We may not be well off or even close to being totally stable, but here we are, still a family and trying our damndest, furthermore he is trying his damndest to get into the CHP which is a dream he's had since forever.

It appears that Bristol's boyfriend is in it for the long haul, they are engaged, and he was with her at the convention last night holding her hand. I am not here to attack Bristol, I think she's got a good loving family to help her and really, 17 is not as young as it could be, know what I mean? She's presumably almost finished with high school and of working age, though I know nothing about the father. But I am here to attack Sarah Palin; I am attacking her for falling asleep at the wheel while her kid was out fucking.

Why was David a father at 15? To be blunt, his parents fell asleep at the wheel. Why was I dating someone four years younger than me who eventually knocked me up? Because there was nobody at my wheel. Sarah wasn't home to supervise her kids. I'll admit, she has accomplished things in her state and she's not really that bad of a broad, but she's got a handful at home and now she wants to take on the country? Hell, I have two kids and I've got my hands full. If someone offered me a very important and high paying job, would I seriously consider taking it? Absolutely not. There are plenty of other women out there who have no kids or already grown up kids that could have been nominated for VP. Sarah needs to concentrate on her own "war at home" before she takes on the one in Iraq. Bristol is going to need her love and support at home being a new young mother more than she needs to see her mom patting the back of Grandpa McCain.

I've been there where Bristol is, because I know what it feels like for everyone to call you a slut. Of course, this Levi kid is being commended for doing the "man" thing, meanwhile we have to put up rules about not going after Bristol, calling her "off limits." I agree, she should be. No pregnant person should ever be called the things that I have been called (starting with slut and ending with pedo and mostly by David's family members.)

But Sarah Palin, you stay right where you are. You're not leaving until I am through with what I have to say.

Sarah, would you have been so happy to be a grandparent if your daughter had been held down and raped by her father? I know that's terrible, but I'm just asking. If your husband was the one who impregnated her, would you be as happy for this baby as you are?

I'm just going to guess prooooooooobably not.

But you know what Sarah? That's the reality of what is going on in America. Rape, incest, it happens. Opposing abortions for every single circumstance under the sun? Please realize, Ms. Palin, that not everyone has such a strong and loving family as you do. Not every teenaged father stays. When Obama said that he didn't want to punish his daughters with a baby regarding abortions, he wasn't suggesting that a baby ruins a person's life (though there are a number of people who disagree with that, but whatev.) He was talking about the fact that when a man is done, he's done. And the unfortunate girl in the case of rape goes through the trauma twice, once during the act its self and then again at labor time. Not counting the nine months of swelling, vomiting, sometimes humiliation or even abuse in between, and not counting the rest of her life.

And how would you like to know that you're a product of rape? Oh, of course you say that you'd never tell your adopted son or daughter something like that, but there are ways of finding out. That's why there are so many adopted children out there who do find out this sort of thing and then become resentful people.

It's wonderful, it's beautiful that you have your down syndrome son, and I do believe that some kind of regulation needs to be put on the abortions. But besides the fact that teaching abstinence doesn't work, your own daughter being proof of that, banning all abortions doesn't work either. Why?

Because being forced to give birth to a baby will not keep teenagers from fucking, particularly since you don't want them learning sex education in schools, and so many parents just like you are too busy with their careers to educate and supervise their teens themselves.

Thank you.

Furthermore, my republican readers, if you haven't heard there is a third party candidate that rivals McCain but without the Pain of Palin tacked on. You might look into this guy if you're too conservative to vote Obama.

Wacky Wednesday

"Damnit! The churches are on blimps now!" David yells.

I slowly open my eyes and pull the blanket down. Yesterday I woke up to a flower on my nightstand that he picked when he was out running. Today I look at him, and he's naked and standing by the window looking out at something in the sky with binoculars.

"Damnit!"

"David..."

"Damnit!"

"David..."

"Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you? Come look, there's a blimp and it's advertising for church or something."

I look. Yeah, it's a blimp advertising a church or something. David was really upset about this.

"Christians don't own the sky," he says, "Goodyear does."

Just juan of those days I guess.

Later on when I was taking Ty home from school, I was trying to turn onto Oak Valley from a rather blind street. There's fast traffic from both directions coming up over slight hills mixed with curves, which makes it hard to see when someone is coming. Now I am usually the best driver you will ever ride with because I am blind and paranoid, so when I come to this particular part of my drive, I am very cautious before I Kamikaze into the road. But today I was particularly distracted.

Looking right I saw cars. Left I saw nothing. Right, cars. Left...SHIT! My ghetto Katrina car turn signals stopped working *pounds on dash board.* Left, cars. Right cars...and...cops on Segways? And lord...is that? Is that? Oh my god that's...*hyperventilates* Oh god he's smiling at me!

KamikazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOH SHIT CAR! BRAKE! *car zooms past* Phew! Completing turn and...oh god, now they're right next to me, and he's looking at me. *Tips imaginary hat to the officers and drives on.*

Then I get a text message from a number that has never texted me before. "You need to fix your brake lights."

Then David calls me and tells me that the little old ladies at the Solara library are going crazy about my book, that the two copies I donated have long waiting lists and that all of the bookmarks I left with them are gone.

And I got Rick Rolled twice while going through the most discussed news and politics category on Youtube.

It was a very wacky Wednesday indeed.

Is This Really What Other Moms Are Like?

Paging Blair from Germany, Blair from Germany you won this month's free copy of my novel, I need an address to send it to. Please check your inbox, thank you.

I have a hard time making friends, this is not news to you. There was one lady at the preschool last year who would come to pick up a little girl she babysat, and she made conversation with me. She even lived up the street from me. I think she was trying to befriend me but like I usually do I started to wait until the last possible moment to get out of the car to get Ty because I didn't want to stand around and wait with her. Not because I disliked her, in fact I'm sure she would have made a great friend, but if I can avoid a social situation, I will.

Partially why I haven't been pressing for book signings as hard as I planned to. I chickened out.

I chickened out when Steppy got all friendly...but that was probably justified, I think he wants me to be his femdom, and I just dont have high enough heels for that.

And now, every day when it is time to pick Ty up from school, there is a five or so minute period where all the kinder parents gather near the office by the kinder yard to pick up their kids. I am in that group of parents. I try to keep to myself, usually just talking to Wade or whatever. In the first few days I noticed that the group was parted, everyone stood on the edges under the roof by the pillars. I just stood in the middle. Not on purpose, in fact it took me a few days to realize that I was doing this. But what's weird is when I drive on the freeway, this magical thing happens where I will be going 65-70, and there will be a group of cars probably 1/8th mile ahead of me, nobody will me anywhere near where my car is, and then there will be another group of cars about 1/8th mile behind me. This happens every time I am on the freeway. Dont believe me? Let's go for a drive some time.

So anyway, I decided to flock to one side and stick to a pillar. One of the dads tried to talk to me one day, I think about the weather or something, and about a notebook that had been thrown up into the rafters above our heads. But really, nobody bothers me, nobody approaches me, not even about Wade's hair. So I started to watch this group of moms with strollers who all gather in the front corner, all with their strollers facing the center of the circle. There's a few in designer sunglasses with cute strappy shoes. There's a few with mummy tummy and stretched out shirts. There's a few who look to be somewhere in the middle class regular kind of lady type. Like a mommy message board IRL meet up. Like every mommyblogger you know just pushing their stroller up to the school to attention-whore to each other.

You know, at Wal Mart I hear the cashier say to the lady with the baby boy in her cart, "My that's a cute wife beater you have on him," and the lady is floored by the compliment and tells the cashier about how the store sells them in three packs for $4.99 and she had to buy them because they're darling.

Wife beaters, you know, UNDERSHIRTS that trash and real life scum who beat their wives wear as regular shirts. On a baby. And it's cute.

And in this group of moms?

Besides the game of Whose Stomach Has More Stretchmarks being played, they go on about how their babies were 8, 10, 14 pounds, 5 pounds and three weeks early, 9 pounds and three days late. Blood transfusions = "I got my tubes tied because I aint going through that again." 40 pound weight gain = "I never gained weight like that with my daughter." Kids born eight years apart = "I have no idea why they dont get along."

I dont know, because they have nothing in common with each other?

Just like I have nothing in common with these people because I dont really like talking about contractions and weight gain because I'm over it?

Wait until they start bragging about the actual kids themselves.

I dont relate to this stuff. I should, I've been there, I will be there again, but seriously, what if I came to my blog and talked about my last pregnancy for a week straight? I mean it's different when a person IS pregnant because it is in the now and the pain and discomfort is very real. But if I sat here and went on about how long it took my hips to go back into place, or bring up that scary uterine bleeding disorder thing, or bitch about how I had to push for two hours with Ty, would you still find me interesting?

Really?

Would you want to discuss stretch marks, contractions, swollen boobs and vaginal exams that I had several years ago day after day with me?

Every once in a while maybe when it is topical, but day after day after day of who was the bigger hero because they went longer without pain meds? It's not that I dont relate, it's that I dont care. It no longer interests me. Yes David wants a baby, and was actually very sad when Captain Bloodsnatch arrived, but I dont need to relive all that stuff yet and I wont. I wont make friends with these women because even as a mom I just dont fit in, and to me it just seems ridiculous to ride the labor stories for the rest of your life just to make conversation that other people will relate to.

I wont be a part of it, even if they invite me over to their stroller circle. Besides, I gave away my stroller a year ago. Maybe that disqualifies me from club membership. I hope so anyway.

Don't Be Hatin', I Know You Be All Jealous Of Me

It's pizza story time! Yay!

Now the first thing I have to tell you before I tell you the stories is David's pizza nick name. You might remember the long string of nick names that he has collected from his various jobs. At Stater's he was Back-Room Dave, Dick Around Dave, T-Bag, or at The Cans he's David "the clavicle" Terwilliger or just plain Can Man, and at the pizza place he is now known as Dirk Diggler. Why? Because nobody could say Terwilliger, and Terwilliger strangely rhymes with Dirk Diggler, which is the name of the porn star that Mark Wallberg plays in Boogie Nights.

Also David gets into these situations that you would see at the start of a porno while delivering pizza. Like the time the rum tasting lady made out with him on the porch, or the guy answered the door wearing little more than a leather thong and a shock collar.

So David gets done delivering to some trashy trailer, when he turns around and sees this girl. She's on the porch of her trailer. She says, "So where's mine?"

David says, "You'll have to call us if you want one, the number is on my car over there if you need it."

She's like, "What if I just want the pizza boy?"

Wow. Trailer trash girl wants the pizza boy. Not so far fetched? You're right, it's not. That sort of shit happens all the time. He gets invited into houses, invited to stay for dinner, offered drinks, all by women whose figures dont appear to be the figures of women who eat pizza.

Bitches hit on my husband a lot when he delivers pizza. It's hilarious. It's like, I would think that if you were going to have some kind of illicit affair you would maybe make a call to the police "Oh there's a terrible noise in my bedroom officer, I'm afraid someone might be in there," or "Oh Mr. Fireman I think there's some kind of fire related emergency in my bedroom," but no. The women of Beaumont want the pizza boy.

And it's not just trailer trash.

David gets sent to a gigantic house. Not a McMansion, but a big big house, and this, as he says "latina woman that you could classify as hot" answers the door. She's in a skimpy robe...to answer the door for the pizza boy. Hmm. So she invites him in, and it's a huge house so the dining room is like way into the house. On her dining room table she has a bunch of shot glasses and bottles of different tequilas and rums and whiskeys and all that such kind of thing. She leaves the room to go get the money, and comes back without the robe, and now she is just wearing some pretty little lingerie get up...to pay the pizza boy. Hmm.

So she gives him a $25 tip. Lolwut?

As he's standing there counting the money, she's rolling a shot glass between her fingers. He says he turned to her and smiled and said thanks, then started for the door. She followed him out. He told her to have a good night, and she said "See you later tonight."

Um.

And David, he's great about this stuff. He calls me every time something like this happens and is like "This woman like totally hit on me! I think she wants to make s-e-x to me."

The women of Beaumont aren't jealous of me because my husband makes $9 an hour at his night job and has access to free pizza, they're jealous because he gets to wear the embroidered polo and khaki visor home every night.